In my last post: https://strengthinmystory.com/5-toxic-relationship-red-flags/, I discussed 5 of the red flags that I noticed before I left my narcissistic marriage. In the part 2 of this post, I will be discussing the 5 red flags that I recognized after I ran away.
Obsession with Social Media:
This red flag is an easy one to overlook because now, many people are on social media all of the time. However, it is incredibly problematic if your partner is so obsessed with social media that they ignore the real world, responsibilities, and most importantly their relationship with you. My ex-husband was on social media more often than he did anything else and would check it non-stop no matter where we were or what we were doing. Even at family gatherings and special date nights he was always on social media.
The other piece of this obsession to watch out for is if your partner is consumed with their online persona (especially if the persona is not real). We all somewhat tailor what we put on social media to put ourselves in a light we want to share, but if your partner is creating a fake persona and are obsessed with how others view this persona it is problematic. This is a part of their manipulation of others and a way to control how mutual friends view the both of you and your relationship. Basically, it makes you seem less believable when you leave the relationship because they have painted themselves in such a positive light.
Spending Excessively
This red flag, I noticed somewhat before I left my marriage, however, I did not recognize the importance of this until afterwards. My ex-husband would spend money with little care in the world. However, we had separate bank accounts, which prevented him from destroying all of our finances.
- He would purchase endless amounts of expensive hobbyist equipment and cookware that was never used. There was always a new hobby or new piece of equipment that we needed to purchase.
- After I began explaining what I needed in our marriage, he decided that he wanted to buy a new car. To do that he was going to drain my personal account, but thankfully I did not allow this to happen.
- About 2 weeks prior to me leaving, instead of working on the things that I had asked him to work on, he spent all of his time researching an expensive vacation for us to take.
What I later learned, was that this is a form of manipulation. Many abusers will drain finances to prevent you from being able to leave the relationship. If you do not have the financial resources, they feel like you are forced to stay with them because you could not afford to live otherwise.
Having No Choices
This is a red flag that I really did not notice until after I had run away and was staying with my very good friend. I started to realize that in my relationship that I only had choices when it benefitted my ex-husband. The only reason that I recognized this was because my friend told me that it was not normal for your partner to not be thoughtful about your desires.
- I never was allowed to choose where I wanted to sit in a restaurant. There were even numerous times that I chose where I wanted to sit and was told to get up and switch seats. I inevitably grew to either wait for him to sit down first or analyze the T.V.s to see where he would want to sit and sit accordingly.
- I very rarely got to choose what we watched on TV when he was home. It blew my mind when my friend’s partner asked me and took into consideration what I wanted to watch because it had been so long since someone who was not my family had shown me such grace.
- I also very rarely got to choose what we did in the evening, unless I chose something specifically based on what I knew he wanted to do. I felt so honored and cared about when my friend consistently asked me what I wanted to do and would not let me just choose what I thought she wanted to do.
It is very toxic if you are in a relationship where you find that you are not able to choose what you desire or you always defer to what the other person wants. There should be give and take in your relationship.
Needing to Keep the Peace
This red flag goes hand and hand with having no choices. This is because the choices that I was able to make were made specifically to make my ex-husband happy. I thought that I needed to tailor my choices to be kind in our relationship and give. What I didn’t fully recognize was that there was not give and take. I was the one always giving, but I was also never receiving any give from him.
When you feel the need to keep the peace you may:
- Ignore your own feelings or devalue them
- Make choices to make your partner happy and forget your own happiness
- You worry if you express certain feelings that it will result in anger or abuse from your partner
- You walk on eggshells all of the time
This is no way to have to live in a long term relationship. You deserve a person who will give as much as they take.
Manipulation
This red flag is one that you can actually see across all of the other things. Manipulation is how your partner maintains control over you and confuses you, so that you don’t feel that you are in an abusive relationship. I was manipulated through narcissistic abuse that had many levels of manipulative tactics from gas lighting to love bombing and mirroring.
This red flag is one that is hard to recognize because generally it happens slowly over a long period of time. The biggest way to recognize this one is if you feel confused often in your relationship and having a conversation with your partner makes you feel more confused or at fault for what happened. I encourage you if you ever feel this way, ask an unbiased individual for feedback on what is going on and try couple’s therapy.
In Conclusion
Reminder here that if you are experiencing any of these red flags, have an open dialogue with your partner and ,if you need, have a third party present to help maintain a sense of calm to the conversation. Open communication and honesty are critical in a relationship and it is important for you to establish your boundaries with your partner. If your boundaries are consistently broken and your partner is unwilling to make a change, you should consider leaving the relationship for your mental health and well being.
