When Mediation Fails You

In one of my last posts: https://strengthinmystory.com/preparing-for-mediation/ I discussed the mediation process and ways to prepare. As we are coming up on the one-year of my experience with mediation, there were many fails in this process for me and I want to share that with you.

Preparation Fails With My Lawyer

The first fails for me came before mediation ever began. I was not able to properly prepare for the day because my lawyer was not very communicative or supportive of me.

• I was not sure where exactly the law office was- I knew the address of the building, but did not know the location of the office within the building.
• I had no idea where/when I was meeting my lawyer- I just knew what time the official process started.
• After asking repeatedly, I was not told about how I would be kept separate from my ex-husband. I wanted to ensure that we would not cross over when we arrived or departed because I didn’t feel safe.
• I requested a walkthrough of the process and our plan for negotiation. I was told that there was not time to do that.

Every step of the preparation process was complete failure. I walked into mediation having absolutely no idea what to expect. This is not a good feeling to have when large parts of your life are on the line.

The Start of Mediation

I will start by recognizing the small positive at my mediation. My ex-husband was in a completely different room from me and I did not see him throughout the process.

The process started by the mediator coming into my room and chatting with me about what all had happened and what I wanted in the settlement. I basically outlined the abuse that I suffered, to the best of my ability and emphasized that I was fighting to keep my dog- Gatsby. The mediator was very kind and expressed understanding. Then she went to his room and chatted with them. I could hear my ex-husband and his father laughing while talking to the mediator. They even asked for lunch and he got to pick what restaurant we all ordered from. That was when I knew-this wasn’t going to go my way. Once again he had the upper hand.

Failure at Mediation

The mediator came back after the delivery of lunch (I did not eat anything-I was so emotional). This time when she came back she was not nearly as kind. I was told that my ex-husband was not going to give up Gatsby and that financially speaking I would have to counter with over $15,000 in cash in order to just keep Gatsby (not anything else) and that he would still counter me back. I pushed back with the letters of support of Gatsby being a therapeutic service to me and concerns for Gatsby’s safety and well being. It was then I learned that in the state of Kentucky animals are no more than financial property. I was told that Gatsby in the eyes of the court was equitable to a crock pot. In the midst of this the mediator also told me several startling things.

• I did not financially have the ability to make a counter offer
• My two options were to concede to his offer or take him to court.
• If I took my ex-husband to court it would take over a year to get in and during that time I would have to meet to exchange Gatsby with him (in a custody agreement)- This wouldn’t be safe for me.
• The court would see Gatsby as equitable to a crock pot and not worth their time- which would likely result in Gatsby being surrendered to complete strangers.
• Given my ex-husband’s nature if I managed to keep Gatsby that I would always need to be on a swivel. That he would never give up trying to make me pay for taking Gatsby. That I would fear for my life and Gatsby’s life for the rest of eternity.

Herein my lawyer fails me again. She doesn’t say anything to support me with the mediator and does not offer me any legal guidance as to my options given the circumstances. I was boxed in, there were no good options. And I had to concede my buddy- I lost.

What I Learned From These Fails

Unfortunately I learned a lot from what happened at mediation. Truthfully at first, I felt like what I learned was that my ex-husband will always win. That people in power can do anything that they want and that nothing is fair.

In truth- I did learn that the systems in place in our country are not always fair.

• Animals are not viewed as living beings here in Kentucky in the eyes of the law
• My ex-husband knew how to game the system. He spent all his money and went into debt, while I was saving to start over. That meant I owed half his debt and he got half of my savings.
• My ex-husband had a better lawyer and they had a game plan. They knew when they walked in that they would win (even if they were in the wrong).
• If you have money or know people who do- you can bankroll the other person.
• Mediation is not a good process when the balance of power in a divorcing couple is one-sided.

This was just a very unfortunate series of circumstances and hopefully I am never in this position again. But I hope that if you find yourself in this position that you can learn a little bit from my experience.