“It’s a Marathon, not a sprint” is one of my all time favorite running quotes and I love to apply it to things in life. I think that it is particularly great for explaining the pacing of many domestic violence relationships.
What does it mean to be a Marathon vs a Sprint?
For those of you who are unfamiliar with running terminology, let me simplify this a bit. A sprint is a race in which you are moving at high speed. These kinds of races do not last for a long period of time and some can be completed in seconds to just a few minutes. A marathon on the other hand is a very lengthy race. This is a race that will take hours to complete. Therefore you are not moving at your absolute highest speed for the entire race because you must pace yourself to be able to finish.
Pacing in Domestic Violence
When I think back on being in a domestic violence situation in my relationship, I think of it as being like a Marathon for two big reasons: the pacing and the conditioning.
Pacing was a big key in me staying in the relationship and not thinking that my ex-husband was abusive. It was a very slow process. If my ex-husband would have done all of the things he did to me within a month or even across one year I would have noticed and I would have left very quickly. Instead he started slow and each year in our nine to ten years together he started moving faster and becoming more and more abusive. Just like in a Marathon you start at a slower pace and build momentum and speed as you get closer to your goal.
Conditioning in Domestic Violence
Conditioning was the other piece that made me feel like my situation was not that out of hand for a long time. In a Marathon we think of conditioning like training. We have to get our muscles and bodies used to small amounts of discomfort and build to tolerate higher amounts. The same happened to me in my relationship. My ex-husband conditioned my mind and emotions to his abusive actions.
It started with an excessive amount of love and giving. Then slowly he started to take the love and giving away. He would do something abusive and then turn around and buy me my favorite ice cream. Then it became longer in between when he would do nice things. Until suddenly it was almost always abusive and unloving. Systematically conditioning me to think that I was doing something wrong and didn’t deserve his love. Increasing my willingness to get that love back by trying to make him happy. It was a viscious cycle that was finally broke when a friend told me that how he made me feel wasn’t “normal”.
Why the Marathon Method works for abusers
If you are a domestic violence survivor you may find yourself wondering or being asked by others how you didn’t see the abuse sooner. It’s because it didn’t all happen at once. It wasn’t a sprint. There were very likely good times with your significant other that did not seem abusive. You likely felt in love with your significant other. It maybe felt like a rough patch, but your significant other would make it up to you. You might have become established and connected to them before they got extremely abusive.
There is a reason why many abusers pace this way and condition you. Because it generally works. It manipulates our minds and our emotions. It can be very challenging to see. So if you find yourself wondering, just remember that your experience was like a Marathon.
