This month is the anniversary of the time that I got to spend with my three foster daughters. If you are unaware of my foster parent journey, check out my previous blog post for more background information: https://strengthinmystory.com/what-i-learned-from-my-foster-children/. In my time as a foster parent I had five different children who were placed with my ex-husband and I. Two of them were very short term (2-3 days) and my three foster daughters we had with us for a little over a month before we transitioned them to a new foster home. I remember and still think about all five of the children that we had in our home, but the relationship and the intention of the relationship with my three foster daughters was different.
Foster Parent Goals
The goal of fostering is reunification. We know this when we agree to be foster parents. The goal is for children to maintain safe connections to their biological family. Fostering is meant to be a temporary place for children to feel safe and welcome while their home becomes a safe place. During this time, we also want to help them stay connected to their family.
However, what this doesn’t mean is that we don’t form attachments. If you are caring for a child/ren for a substantial period of time you will become connected to them. I know I even become connected to my children at my work who come in for our day camp program. You will appreciate them for who they are and care for them. You will have hard and emotional conversations with them. Maybe you have these kids with you for a year or even longer. Of course you will build bonds with them and they with you. Keeping in mind that these bonds are still not the same as bonds formed with biological family.
When children leave your home, either to be reunified with their biological family (which is what we hope for if it is safe) or transferred to another foster home you might experience grief. This is natural because it is a major change in your life, daily routine, and the loss of someone that you have built a relationship with. It is okay to experience grief and the longer term that you have a child in your care, the more expected this would be.
My Experience With Fostering Grief
My three foster daughters were meant to stay with my ex-husband and I long-term. There was also conversation of the likelihood of us moving towards adoption with them, due to their case. When we committed to bringing them into our home, we intended on having them for a substantial amount of time. Had our foster daughters left our home to be safely reunified with their biological family, that would have been very positive (albeit, we still would have missed them).
However, that isn’t what happened. I ended up having to make the decision to transfer them to another foster home (to keep them safe from my ex-husband). I didn’t realize that my ex-husband was narcissistically abusive until I saw him interact with them. They moved to a foster home where they would be safe and that family has ended up adopting them. And I am truly so thankful that they found a family that could meet their needs and that they would be safe with.
But I miss my girls everyday, especially on days like today. Days when I see things in the store that remind me of them. When I drive past their old school or daycare. Moments when I see my friend’s adorable little ones. Going to museums and the zoo and seeing families interacting with their kiddos. When I just want another chance to read them that story, to go to the park, play Candyland and Hide & Seek, or hold them tight.
Things to Remember as a Foster Parent
It is so important as a foster parent to remember to take care of yourself. It is challenging to bring children into your home for short amounts of time. Especially when you are navigating trauma, medical conditions, and just adjusting to a new way of living for however long. Be sure to have boundaries for yourself and take time to grieve and process a child leaving your home (especially if you had them long term) before accepting another child into your home. You need to be your best self, for that child coming to you next, but also for you.
