We are all here on our planet Earth and all of us have the right to take up space. We are all enough just for existing and living on this rock revolving around the sun. Sometimes though after facing trauma or abuse we start to feel that we are small. Unsafe to take up space and needing to apologize for doing such. It is a journey to get to where we can feel safe in public and with ourselves again.
Feeling Small
I, along with many others in similar situations felt small for a long time. Small in both a literal and metaphorical way. Literally small in being physically tinier than my abuser and literally shrinking myself down to hide from him or get away from him. Metaphorically small in feeling powerless. In feeling like I had to stifle who I am. Stifle my voice. Taking up less space in my home as well as in public.
I even have felt this way since leaving my ex-husband. When my PTSD is triggered I instinctively get smaller. Even when I am working through my abuse and assault in therapy I physically start to shrink in my chair. But I have been trying to “think big”.
Being Big and Taking Up Space
I personally go to EMDR therapy to help me process my abuse and being assaulted. It is a different format from talk therapy. Talk therapy doesn’t work as well for things like ongoing abuse or assault because your brain blocks pieces of it to protect you. EMDR works by having your brain focus on bilateral stimulation during processing work. When I go to EMDR I picture things that happened (sometimes really scary things) and work through them.
A trick that I started practicing is pretending that I feel big when picturing these scary things. I sit up tall and fight against the urge to shrink by pushing my shoulders back and holding my head high. This helped me start to see myself differently. More in charge. I was able to say that I deserved to take up space and that my ex-husband doesn’t have the right to own all the space.
Now I practice this in public too. Reminding myself that I can be big and brave and beautiful. I feel more like myself. Like I can feel myself not being held back by these invisible barriers. My personality is starting to show and I do the things that I want to do. Because I matter. I deserve to take up space and to leave my mark on this world. And so do you!
