Being a Mom

Happy Mother’s day to all the mothers out there. Whether you are a biological, step, foster/adoptive, or pet mom. As it is Mother’s day I wanted to share a bit more about my fostering journey.

I may have mentioned this before, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom. My health journey made that difficult and my ex-husband and I decided that we would make better foster parents. And I had accepted that I wouldn’t be their “mom” , but I would love and care for them and support reuniting them with their biological family as long as it was safe. I have talked about my three foster daughters and how much they taught me. But the story I haven’t shared is the story of “Ben” (not his actual name) and how he changed my perspective.

How I Became Ben’s Foster Mom

The funny thing, is that after my three foster daughters my ex-husband and I decided we weren’t going to take any more placements. At least not until he proved to me that he could handle having kids in our care. But Ben was a different story. The agency contacted me for respite care for a 1 1/2 year old boy. They weren’t sure for how long. I told the agency no because having no timelines means that they could be with us for awhile and I didn’t trust my ex for anything long term. I wasn’t going to get trapped.

Then post mother’s day the agency called again. The respite family who had him was getting married and they needed someone to watch Ben for 3 days. My emotions were everywhere. Coming off of Mother’s Day, wanting to be a mom, not wanting to say no again. But I knew I could handle three days on my own. There was no expectation that he would be with us longer than 3 days. I was basically babysitting him for a few days. So I said yes. Whether that was smart or not, I don’t know. But looking back, I’m glad it happened.

What I Learned About My Ex

I had already learned a lot about my ex from my three girls. But I learned to be suspicious of his faithfulness to me because of Ben.

I became aware that my ex was likely cheating on me. In the three days that we had Ben he disappeared on me twice and lied about it. The first was when I took Ben to Kentucky Science Center to play. My ex was supposed to meet us there, he never did. After hours and several missed calls he met us to eat dinner saying that golf had ran over.

The second was after I put Ben to bed and got ready myself. When I came into the living room my ex was gone. After several missed calls he angrily answered. He said he went to get gas (randomly at night without telling me). When I asked him why then, he told me he was hungry (when we just got ice cream and had lots of snacks at home). Hours went by before he came back. I checked in the morning and there were no remnants of a snack and his gas tank was low. He told me that he ended up not being hungry and had gotten gas far away. The first of many disappearances.

Learning About Myself As a Mom

Ben helped change my outlook on being a mom. After my foster daughters I felt like a complete failure (incapable of being a good mom). Ben showed me that I could be a good mom. That having three kids at those particular ages with a husband who was getting in the way was not possible. But having one kid was something that I could navigate on my own without having to rely on him. The day that Ben left I contacted the agency and changed our age range and number of kids we could accept to match what I could handle on my own.

Since leaving my ex-husband I have chosen to hold off on accepting placements. I closed my home with the foster agency. I needed time to work on myself so I could be the best mom I could be. Although I have not gotten to re-open my home, I recognize myself as a mom in different ways. I’m a Camp mom. To thousands of campers who come to me every year and to the staff who I take care of. I’m a dog mom to my buddy Pierce and I strive to make sure he is living his best life despite his fears of storms and other dogs. One day that will change, and I will become a mom to my own kids (however that looks). And I can’t wait to see what that looks like.