Today’s blog post is going in a different direction than I anticipated. Because I stumbled into a social media memory that my ex-husband posted from when I went on vacation with his family. Despite this beautiful caption about being ohana and no one being left behind, two of us in this picture left. My ex brother in law got divorced shortly after this photo was taken and I left around 7 years later. Seeing this caption broke me a bit, but I did some reflecting and want to share that with you.
Being Family Made it Hard to Leave
I definitely viewed my ex-husband as being my ohana, my family. When I think about ohana it means that I am there for them no matter what. There to help them. There in sickness. For the good, the bad, the ugly. I stuck around for a lot of bad and ugly in our relationship. I tried to stand by him. Tried to communicate my concerns for myself as well as his safety to him. When he told me I was the reason he didn’t unalive himself, it made me feel like I was responsible for making sure he didn’t harm himself. I loved him, how could I want to make him hurt?? How could I leave him behind? But I did. I spent a long time feeling like a terrible person for hurting him this way, but I have been trying to reframe it.
He Didn’t Treat Me Like Ohana
When I think about reframing, I think about how my ex-husband actually left me behind.
- He walked out on me for two weeks and stayed with his parents. With no explanation ever given.
- He disappeared numerous times to apparently cheat on me.
- He divorced me via text in less than two weeks without trying to talk to me after I left saying I needed space.
Your ohana shouldn’t treat you like garbage. They shouldn’t taunt you with loaded weapons making you fear for your safety. They most definitely shouldn’t assault you. I didn’t leave without trying my best for him. Leaving was my best option because he assaulted me multiple times and because I wasn’t safe. I was scared he was going to kill me. I don’t need to feel bad about the fact that I left him. You don’t need to feel the constraint of sticking through abuse and assault because you feel you owe that to them (because you love them). Your safety mentally and physically is of the utmost importance. That goes beyond dedication to your “ohana”.
