We often think about the straw that broke the camel’s back (the last straw). I had many straws with my ex-husband that probably should have been the last but weren’t. After my foster girls left my home, I was starting to push back. But I still thought things could change. That maybe I was overreacting. That maybe if I just said it the right way, he would get it. Perhaps if we just went to couple’s therapy it would be fixed. But then a moment happened that truly terrified me to my core.
How the Moment Came To Be
There were many things that my ex-husband did that terrified me towards the end of our relationship. Especially his fascination with guns and having them unsafely stowed in our home/waiving them around. Even that had nothing on what happened this day. He crossed a line that I never imagine he would cross, and it broke any last bits of trust that I had in him.
This weekend two years ago, I was supposed to go to my sister in law’s bachelorette party out of town. I was still sick from Covid and was so tired from my first week of Summer Camp. Therefore, I decided it wasn’t safe for me to drive all the way there and that I wouldn’t have fun. He was so angry with me that he couldn’t see straight. He tried countless times to convince me to go with them. I couldn’t understand why he wanted me to go so bad (turns out he was planning on having another girl over that weekend). I told him that he could go wherever he wanted and that I wouldn’t get in his way. But he still wasn’t happy.
When the weekend came though, his attitude 180’d. He was being so extra sweet. Wanting to take me on dates, cuddle with me, and even helped me clean. I thought he was trying to listen to me. That he was trying to show that he cared. It felt like how we used to be (back when I thought things were good). But then it changed.
The Moment That Terrified Me
After taking me out to get ice cream we came home, and he helped me clean the dishes. Then he wanted to make out with me. I told him that was fine, but that I didn’t want to do anything more than that because I still didn’t feel good. He kept asking me why and wouldn’t let it go. I kept saying no. But that didn’t matter, it just made him mad. He tried to force me and I pushed him away saying no. He called me a tease and told me that I had to make him happy and I tried to make him happy (because I was scared), but it wasn’t enough. He told me that I had two choices and I had to make one (just like I was a little kid). I didn’t know what to do. I ended up crying and running away (locking myself in another room).
He crossed my boundaries. He violated me. That terrified me. If he was capable of that, what else was he capable of doing? This moment had me on pins and needles. I was terrified it would happen again. I tried to stay far away from him. Always had doors locked behind me in the house. I “slept” in the basement on a couch. Invited friends over or tried to stay out of the house when he was home. I was convinced that at any moment he was going to assault me or possibly kill me. But I had no idea at this point what I was supposed to do about it. Which is why it wasn’t the last straw, but the one that terrified me.
