I am truly blessed to be able to say that I have a large network of support. Support from family, friends, and co-workers alike. So many people that I could never do justice to them all. All these people play different roles along your journey after you leave an abusive relationship, all of which are so important. This post is specifically about the supportive person who gets you to leave the relationship.
Why Family Can Be Hard to Tell
I have an amazing and supportive family. I know that they believe me, love me, and would do anything for me. But when I was in my abusive marriage I didn’t want to tell them about what was going on. It’s more complicated than it seems. I knew they would have my back, but it wasn’t about how they would react to me. They would have wanted me to leave right then, but I was scared of leaving (of what he would do to me). I wanted to make things work with him and I therefore didn’t want them to think badly of him. I was protecting him and his ego. Which means they weren’t the first people that I told. They would have gotten me out, but I couldn’t let them in (not until after my decision was made).
The other tricky part of this for me is that my ex-husband did lots of things with me and my family and he knew how close we all are. The first place he would have looked for me is with my family. Not to mention most of them live within a 10 mile radius of him. This wasn’t a safe way to run away (for me).
My Outcry Witness
What is an outcry witness you may ask. They are the first person who hears your allegation of abuse or assault. Maybe they were in the right place at the right time. Maybe they asked the right question. And you likely feel safe with/trust this person.
My outcry witness is one of my coworkers who is also a great friend of mine. She was the first person I told when my ex-husband walked out on me, when I saw how he treated my foster girls, and when he assaulted me. In the final weekend I had with him, she came over to help make sure I was safe. She got me to tell someone else. Someone who looked at me and said “you are not safe, you need to leave, and need to leave now”. She helped me make my plan, told me to talk to my parents about what I was doing, and gave me a safe place far away from him to stay.
I owe her a lot. She gave me the right kind of support that I needed in those moments leading up to and when I ran away. I don’t know how far I would have gotten without that support (given that I wasn’t ready to share those details with my family). I greatly appreciate her, as well as everyone else who has supported me as I have continued on this journey.
Tell Someone and Get Support
For anyone out there who may be experiencing abuse of some kind whether it be from a family member, friend, or significant other, I urge you to tell someone. It just needs to be one person. One person that makes you feel heard. A person you feel safe around. Talking to a someone is the first step of getting yourself out. It is an extremely hard thing to do all alone, but can be made more possible with the support of others. You deserve more in your life, so give yourself that chance by building your network of support.
