Going no-contact with my ex-husband is one of the best things that I could have done for myself. Do I struggle with maintaining this? Absolutely! However, I have maintained it for the last almost two years. I highly encourage those of you who are leaving a domestic violence situation or exiting a narcissistic relationship (whether romantic, friend, or family) to do this once you leave. I want to talk about what this looks like and why it is so important to maintain.
What is Going No-Contact?
This is quite possibly one of the simplest definitions out there. Going no-contact basically means that you will not talk to or engage with this individual.
Did you know that statistically speaking people are more likely to return to an abusive relationship than they are to stay away and move forward? There are many reasons this happens. Even though it was abusive, it was familiar and comfortable (because it is known). People still feel like they were in the wrong (gaslighting is rough) and that maybe the other person will change. It is hard to leave everything you know and start completely over (especially without support). This is just considering people physically getting back together, but how do you think it starts. By messages and phone calls from one person to the other.
What No Contact Looked Like For Me
When I left my ex-husband I was urged by the Center for Women and Families as well as my therapist (and of course my friends/family) to not respond to any messages or answer any phone calls. In fact, my phone was shut off entirely for the first 3 days that I was gone. I will never forget turning the phone back on with so much anticipation/fear, only to see it be empty of messages or calls from him. In that moment I had two thoughts. One that he had unalived himself (because he used to tell me that I was the only reason he was still alive) and two that he had never cared an ounce about me.
But then the messages did start happening a few days later. They were very finely crafted. Meant to inflict maximum hurt and establish his place of power back. I became a “bad person” who “stole his dog” and was “hurting his dog”. That I had to “return his dog to our house” by a date of his choosing. That I had “made our marriage impossible”. I was told “you better send the address of where you are staying or else you will be met by a sheriff who will embarrass you at work”. I had so many things that I wanted to say. So many things that I still want to say, but I haven’t because I am holding strong to staying no contact.
Do I have days when I desperately want to send him a message? I sure do. I also have a ton of strategies to help me in those moments. Sometimes I text a friend or family member about something completely different. Sometimes I reach out to friend or family member and tell them what I wish I could say. Most of the time I journal it out. I journal everything that I want to say to him (sometimes in letter form). The words need to come out, they just don’t need to come out to him.
In Conclusion
The truth is it is very challenging to stay no-contact. There are so many reasons that you want to reach out. Maybe you are at the store, and you see that seasonal item that they love, and you were always excited to tell them that you found it. Perhaps it’s your anniversary and you miss the good moments when you thought things were okay. Maybe you want to explain yourself to them. Perhaps you are hoping to get something from them (justice or an apology). I am here to tell you that these feelings are so beyond valid. But and it’s a big but. You can’t do it. It is not worth it. You contacting them, gives them power. It lets them know that they are still on your mind. This opens you up for more gaslighting. It can suck you back into the relationship. Cutting them out, is how you move forward. You will likely never get that apology or closure you want. The best closure is to live the best life you can and by eliminating ways to make them feel like they still have power over you and your life. And you deserve that chance to live your best life too.
