I have been reminded of this sentiment a couple of times in the past few weeks and even more so in the past two days. Despite the fact that overall, I am doing well, I still have moments when all those big emotions come back. Moments where things don’t feel okay. We all have these moments! It is so important to remember that even if time has gone by, it is okay to not be okay. Those traumatic things that happened to you were not okay. They weren’t fair. They broke you. You have every right to feel big emotions that come from that.
Not Being Okay with Loss
Two of the big moments that I have had lately involve those that I lost due to having to leave my ex-husband. One of my biggest fears in leaving him was losing those that I cared so deeply about. And the truth is I did lose them all. Some before and some after I left. From my foster girls to mutual friends to newfound family and my pupper.
Grandmama
One of the people that I didn’t want to leave was my ex-husband’s grandma. We used to live with her, and I took care of her. I mowed her yard, cleaned her house, found her dentures, helped with her meds, and so much more. My therapist wanted to know why I did those things when my ex-husband never did. My answer is simple. I cared about her. She deserved someone to be there for her and to do those things kindly (without berating her). She really became like a third grandma to me.
Unfortunately, she passed not long after I left, and I didn’t get to go to her funeral. We are right at her birthday, and I have been thinking about her so much. I went to the cemetery to visit her and talk to her. Crying and reminding her that I was sorry that I wasn’t there for her. Explaining that I had to do what was best and safe for me. Hoping that she can understand why I did what I did. I am not okay that I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. And not okay that she left this world thinking that I did something horrible to her grandson, when in reality he did terrible things to me.
Gatsby
I also was incredibly concerned about losing my baby Gatsby. I couldn’t leave, until I knew that I could get him out with me. When I left, he came along with me. He was my rock and kept me from breaking completely in half. I promised him that his mommy would keep him safe and wouldn’t stop fighting for him. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that mediation isn’t fair. That the law doesn’t care what is in the best interest of the person who was harmed. That my ex-husband could skirt the system by going into debt, so that he could bankroll me at mediation. And within 4 days of that terrible moment that I had to sign him over to my ex-husband, he was gone.
I am still not okay with this. How could the law allow him to go to someone who isn’t safe? How could a world exist where Gatsby is alive but doesn’t belong with me? He doesn’t understand why I dropped him off and never came back. It was his 4th birthday yesterday and I don’t even know if he remembers me. But I remember him and my heart breaks when I remember that I will never get to see him again (even though he is still alive and out there). I don’t think anyone would be okay with losing their beloved pet this way.
Being Broken Shines a Light Forward
The other way that I was reminded of the fact that it is okay to not be okay was a text from my mom. She sent me a message with a picture highlighting the caption: “It’s okay to be a little broken, that’s how the light gets in”. Being broken, being not okay, doesn’t mean that you are done for. It will never be fair that those things happened to you. But those things can show you where you want to go and how you want to lead your life.
For me, I lost my house, my foster girls, my dog, a sense of safety, some of my friends, my newfound family, many of my possessions, and the life that I thought I was going to lead with my ex-husband. My therapist says that it is important to process and work through the things that you have lost, but also think about what you have gained from leaving. I have gained independence, the ability to make choices, and a chance to learn who I am as an adult person (not under his thumb). I have found things that make me truly happy and people in my life who care about me as I am (broken and all). And looking forward I have the ability to find love from someone who isn’t abusive and chance to live the life that I want to live (one without my ex-husband in it).
