Something that is so key to have in any relationship are boundaries. Why are boundaries important? Why do we need them? Let’s talk about it.
What is a Boundary?
At its most basic level, a boundary is a limit that you set for yourself in terms of what you deem to be acceptable or unacceptable in a relationship. They can be regarding emotions, physical/sexual touch, or time.
Examples may include:
- I will only answer phone calls (even if they are personal) between the hours of 9:00 A.M. to 6:00 P.M.
- I will only answer work emails during my scheduled work hours.
- I can spend this set amount of time with you because I have other life tasks that I must complete.
- I don’t want you to touch me …… (in this specific place)
- Etc.
Boundaries have to be communicated to those that you are in a relationship with. If you do not communicate them, you cannot expect that the other person knows that they are crossing a line. However, if you have clearly stated your limits, it is not appropriate for the other person to break or disrespect them (especially if it happens on a consistent basis).
Why Boundaries Are Important & What to Do When They Are Broken
Boundaries are important because they help us to communicate and stick to our values and what we believe. They also help us to prioritize what is most important to us. It is not good for our mental or physical health if/when we do not stick to our boundaries. It can cause us to overwork ourselves. Overextend our emotional capacity. Get overrun doing things for others and never filling our own cup. And letting others harm us.
In my relationship with my ex-husband, I had boundaries. I tried in so many ways to communicate and enforce my boundaries with him. He broke them time and time again. With his gaslighting I felt like it was my fault when my boundaries were broken. That I did not properly tell him what I expected. In reality this wasn’t the case. He was just ignoring my boundaries, disregarding them as though they were nothing. And why, because he needed that control over me. Here is the thing that I learned. You can leave. You don’t have to keep giving people more chances when it comes to not respecting your boundaries (when they have been communicated). Don’t give in. If it is important to you, listen to your own boundary.
Moving Forward
As I consider moving forward in all relationships, I am thinking through my boundaries and what I am okay with. Right now my biggest boundary is that I will not allow a person to make me feel like I have less value or am not enough as the person I am. Another big one for me is that all guns owned must be properly stowed and handled safely. And now I know that I can enforce these boundaries when they are not followed.
I encourage you to think through and develop your own set of boundaries. Make sure that you are communicating these to others. Then monitor to make sure that you are not letting others walk all over you or break your boundaries. It can be hard to enforce things when you are used to being a giver to others. But they will help you be able to give to yourself so that you can be more fully present when people do need you. I believe in you, you can do it!
