After leaving my ex-husband I was confident that I never wanted to go on a date ever again. How could I trust another person in that way? How could I trust myself to not make the same mistakes? But 2 years later and here we are trying to get back into dating. I finally felt ready and felt like I deserved love and knew what I was looking for. I still wasn’t sure I could make the right decisions for myself. Now I am so confident that I know what I’m looking for and how to stand up for myself. This story can really be encapsulated by a hilariously bad first date.
The First Date
So a few weeks ago I went on a first date with a guy who I had been talking to for a little over a week. We had texted and video chatted twice, so I felt like the date was going to go okay. He was really clear about what he was looking for and that aligned with my values and thoughts. He is a teacher and is passionate about education, which is something I care deeply about. Also he let me choose where to go and I chose a video gaming bar called Recbar. I knew I would have a good time even if the date was awkward. I was dressed up and feeling pretty.
The Red Flags
Despite feeling pretty good about the date, I had some cautious thoughts on my mind. And that’s when the red flags started popping up.
Riding Together on the First Date
He was very insistent on us riding together or he didn’t want to go because he was too scared to drive there alone. Firstly never ride in a vehicle with a person you don’t know that well. Major safety hazard. But also, if things aren’t going well you don’t have an exit plan. Despite initially feeling scared to assert my feelings, I told him that I would rather not ride together and we did not-boundaries upheld!
They are Late
Let me start with the fact that he picked the time we were meeting. Despite that he was still 20 minutes late getting there. Just to add to it, after messaging me that he arrived, he then messaged me asking the name of the restaurant. My brain was like, “how does he know he is here?”. It is not a great start to a date to be late.
No Offense Questions
Let me start by saying that if a question has to begin with “no offense” maybe it’s not the best question. Especially on the first date. This guy asked me several no offense questions.
- No offense but were you like fat before all this?
- No offense but can you even get pregnant or anything like that?
- No offense but like what exactly did your ex-husband do to you? (Then requested specific details).
To say that I was offended and quite honestly stunned is an understatement. Like what? I literally cried about the pregnancy question after I left.
Bursts of Anger
After my relationship with my ex-husband, I am very sensitive to extremes in emotions. When a person shows you angry colors after only talking to you for a week, it’s not a great sign. This guy in particular told me all about his angry outbursts toward children in his class.
- Kicking over the music stand in front of the class.
- Calling an elementary student an unkind name in front of the whole class.
- Getting overly frustrated because a student had a disability and he couldn’t get him to do what he wanted. This is a big one for me because I’m disabled. This just shows me that he won’t want to deal with my health things when they flare.
My ex-husband was also incredibly angry towards children. He used to get so red in the face with our foster daughter for asking if they could play school or read a book. I had to send him away so many times and eventually find a new home for them to keep them safe from him. I am not getting in another relationship with a man I can’t trust around kids.
Can’t Lose a Game
This one also falls under bursts of anger, but I separated it out because of my thought process. In my previous relationship I couldn’t win a game without consequences. Video game controller going through the wall, tennis racket bent, and lots of yelling. So I would lose on purpose to stay safe.
On this date I played air hockey with this guy. In a matter of no time it was 6-0 and he was quite unhappy. I felt so bad that I let him score. But then I hated that I let him do that. I don’t have to make myself lesser in order for him to like me. I’m not doing that again. So I hit the puck in, winning the game. He didn’t want to talk to me after that.
In Conclusion
Somehow after all that (and there was more I didn’t share) he still wanted to see me again. He actually messaged me when he got home. I stood up for myself, but didn’t ghost him. I told him respectfully that I appreciated meeting him, but I wasn’t interested in continuing talking. For safety I went ahead and blocked him on social media.
I’m really proud of myself. In the past I wouldn’t have thought that these things were bad. I probably would have kept talking to him out of feeling bad for him. I would have went on more dates. But instead, I recognized these things as what they were. I knew they weren’t what I wanted or deserved and put an end to it. So any doubts I had going into dating about falling back into a similar pattern, I think are gone. Post-Traumatic Growth at its finest right here!
