This time of the year it can be a particularly difficult time to deal with grief. Holiday traditions are just not the same as they once were. There isn’t just something missing, not even just someone missing. A whole piece of you and your life is missing. That person or people who you made all those fantastic memories with is no longer there.
Experiencing Grief at the Holidays
Firstly, what is grief? Grief is considered the emotional response to a significant loss. This is most often associated with the death of a person close to you. However, loss does not only come from death. Grief can also come from loss associated with divorce, major illnesses or changes in your health, loss of a job or financial stability, or if something incredibly important to you is taken away. The circumstances surrounding the loss will impact how the loss is felt. No matter what, grief is a journey that is unique to every person. There is not one right way to feel grief or a specific timeline to follow for it to end. This grief will always be with you in some way, but how you feel it and how often you feel it will change.
Holiday traditions can bring about triggers to your grief or make the emotions you feel even more challenging. This might look like:
- Feeling alone or withdrawing from other family/friends
- Not wanting to participate in your usual holiday traditions
- Moments not resulting in the happiness they typically bring
- Experiencing flash backs or dreams about your loved one/s
- Experiencing crying spells
- Having other people try to diminish your feelings/grief or expecting you to feel the exact same as you once did
- Etc.
Navigating Holiday Traditions
Grief is by no means a comfortable feeling, but it is so important to make space for it. Make space and time to experience the grief. But also make space for yourself. You will need time to process your grief and experience your feelings on your own terms. As long as what you are doing is safe for yourself and others, it doesn’t matter what this looks like. All that matters is that it makes sense to you.
Perhaps it looks like:
- Creating a new holiday tradition
- Setting boundaries with your family and friends to allow yourself some time and space
- Journaling/Doodling
- Making a comfort food
- Finding ways to honor the person/people you have lost
- Taking time to look at photos/videos of your loved one/s
- What else works for you?
My New Holiday Traditions
I have experienced a lot of loss in the past few years. From my husband to my foster girls to my dog Gatsby and so much more. A lot of my grief is complicated by the circumstances of these losses on top of the fact that most of my loss did not result from death.
One of my pieces of grief does come from the death of a loved one. The death of my ex-husband’s grandma. I knew her for 10 years, lived with her for 2 years, and acted as a caretaker for her for about 4 years. I cleaned her house, cut her grass, ran her errands, and helped her with her prescriptions. We would get Long John Silvers and Chic Fil A because those were her favorites. We watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy together almost every night. She wasn’t just his grandma, she was my grandma too. I wanted to stay with my ex-husband until she passed (because that moment was drawing near), but I couldn’t for my safety. She passed away maybe a month or two later and I couldn’t be there for her at the end or go to her funeral.
With the circumstances of my fear surrounding my ex-husband, I cannot visit the cemetery to see her on the days that you might think. Not on a holiday, Mother’s Day, her birthday, or the anniversary of her death. Because of that I have established my own holiday traditions that honor her. The biggest one being the tradition of Black Friday. When I was still married, my ex-husband loved going shopping on Black Friday and every year I would pick out a big poinsettia to put on her coffee table. We would then pick up Chic Fil A and sit with her and eat. Now on Black Friday I have a tradition of going to Trader Joes and picking up a mini poinsettia, picking up Chic Fil A, going to the cemetery, and eating/talking with her.
In Conclusion
Holiday traditions are not always the same bright and happy things that they once were because of grief. This is your reminder that it is okay, normal, and you are not alone in having a difficult time at the holidays. You will eventually find things that do still bring you joy around the holidays, but when that happens is on your own timeline. What matters the most is making space for your emotions and yourself in a safe way. The people who matter, will make time for you, even if you need that time in a different way.
