Although Valentine’s Day may not be viewed as important in some relationships and I personally view it overall as just another day, it has played a role in my relationship with my ex-husband and was a way that he manipulated my emotions and a day that many narcissists use to hurt those that they are in relationships with.
My ex-husband and I’s relationship actually began on Valentine’s Day. We began chatting on February 14th via social media after having met each other thanks to mutual friends about a week prior. He was the one who reached out to me and it felt like we truly began to bond and he seemed so sweet because he sent me so many poem-like compliments. We then had our very first date the day afterwards. This is why Valentine’s Day originally held significance for us, but it later became a tool for him to manipulate me.
Gift Giving/Love Bombing
The first several Valentine’s Days that we had together, when we were dating, were full of gifts. We never went on fancy or expensive dates, but we always made sure that the other felt very special. We would surprise each other with fancy doughnuts, gigantic stuffed animals, and cards with the sweetest words. This is part of what I would consider the love bombing stage of my relationship with a covert narcissist. Their goal in this stage is to win you over by excessively demonstrating how much they “care” about you. When friends and family see your significant other being so “kind” and getting you those flowers, jewelry, stuffed animals, or surprise desserts, they feel like you are in a great relationship and they often wish that their significant other would be more like yours. The truth is though, that this is all a ploy. They are not actually being sweet. If you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist they are using this as a manipulative tool to make you and your support system fall for them. They are setting up their persona as a wonderful, sweet, and caring partner that no one, including yourself can see abusing you later.
Devaluing Your Worth
Once we were married, Valentine’s Day became a day that he could use to hurt my feelings and make me question my worth in our relationship. He began “forgetting” that this day was coming up and going on out of town trips with friends and family. He also began to not give me gifts anymore and would refuse to sit close to me or make out with me. This wouldn’t have been that big of a deal, except for the fact that Valentine’s Day had always been a day for our relationship where these things were expected and happened on a regular basis. This made me start to question what I was doing wrong? Why didn’t he want to do these things with me anymore? What changed? Narcissists thrive on making everything about them and making you feel like you are in the wrong for everything. Then when you get upset about these things or try to have a conversation with them about it, you are actually fueling their narcissism. This is what they want. They want you to be upset and confused. If it is your fault, then it can’t possibly be their’s.
Anger
One of the last Valentine’s Days that I had with my ex-husband he got incredibly angry with me for getting him a gift. Now, this wasn’t a fancy or expensive gift. It was literally some mini-doughnuts, a soda, and a tiny stuffed monkey that I hid in his car to surprise him on his way to work. He actually called me while I was at work, yelling at me, and questioning me for getting him this gift. Then he switched from anger to sadness and started getting very upset because he hadn’t gotten me a gift. I didn’t care that he hadn’t gotten me a gift, but I did care that he made such a big deal out of it. I had wanted my gift to make him happy and instead it made him angry. I began questioning that every move that I made was the wrong one and I should just wait to do anything for him until he told me specifically what he wanted and how he wanted it done. Narcissists do not like when you have any sort of power in the relationship. By me getting a gift and him not having one for me, I took some of the power away from him and he then, in his mind, “owed” me something and narcissists do not like that. Anger is meant to scare you and intimidate you from speaking your mind or trying to get power back in the future. However, the best thing you can do if you are in a relationship with a narcissist is to take your power back.
If you are experiencing abuse of any kind or unsure if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse in particular, I encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to. This could be a friend, family, co-worker, therapist, or a domestic violence hotline. Find someone you are comfortable with and just talk with them. They can help you see things you may not be able to see.
Take back your power! Take back your Valentine’s Day. You can do this!
