Oftentimes survivors of abuse have been manipulated into believing that they deserved these acts of violence. They believe that they were in the wrong. That they did something to provoke the anger. Once out of the situation, they can start to see that the actions towards them were not fair. They can start to process what happened and learn that what happened wasn’t their fault. In many cases this becomes even less fair when there is not justice that is brought upon the perpetrator. Survivors have to change so much and work very hard while abusers often don’t even have to face what they have done.
Healing From Abuse is Hard
Being abused is an incredibly hard and terrifying situation to be in. Getting out of that situation and into a safe place is even harder. Even once you are safe the trauma that you endured during a lengthy time period stays with you in so many ways. There are flashbacks. Nightmares. Difficulty trusting others. Gaslighting yourself. Self worth issues. Panic Attacks. And so many other things. Not to mention having to start over, often from scratch on so many aspects of your life.
In my situation, I was lucky enough to have people who are very supportive of me. People who will pick up the phone or call me back when I am in need. People who don’t make me feel like a bother for struggling. I have done talk therapy and EMDR therapy for the past 3 years. I have made a ton of progress and I can see that in so many ways. But it is still hard. In getting back into dating, I am stumbling into all kinds of triggers. I still cry in and after EMDR because it still hurts. And impacts my brain and body.
How It Feels Unfair
It’s obvious that the abuse that is endured is not fair in the slightest. But what happens afterward can feel very unfair. Survivors are impacted mentally, emotionally, and physically for years to come after they get out of an abusive situation. They have to put in so much work if they are going to recover and enter emotionally healthy situations moving forward. But abusers often don’t have to worry about much (especially for those that don’t face criminal charges).
In my case, my ex-husband is pretty much completely unaffected by what he did to me. He doesn’t care and it doesn’t matter in his life that he destroyed so much of me. There is no rebuilding of his life (he kept our dog, the house, all our friends, his car, and most of our belongings). He doesn’t have to work hard to move on and get into a new relationship. He doesn’t have to pay for anything (legally or financially). And that can be a really tough pill to swallow sometimes.
There is very little closure to the situation and there is nothing good that will come from seeking closure from your abuser. The best closure you can get is not giving your abuser more power. Finding your own power is key. Living your best life is the best thing that you can do. Your abuser doesn’t want you to live a good life, so the best justice is by proving them wrong. You deserve a better life than what they gave you, so give yourself that chance. Abusers will never be truly happy, but you can be and you deserve that.
