The Final Straw

At the end of my relationship with my ex-husband, there were several things that made me realize that our relationship was not working or that this was dangerous or scary. My actual final straw that caused me to make my decision to leave actually were the words of someone else.

There are so many phrases or words that stick out in my head that I heard when I first was leaving. Words that created lasting impact on my decision to leave. I have been thinking about these sentiments here lately because my therapist said something this week that stood out to me.

What My Therapist Said

While I was in therapy this week, my therapist and I were talking about a part of me that feels like I am too much. Essentially that I am not worthy, of support, in particular. The part that feels like it needs to apologize for needing something. While we were talking, I managed to say that my friend saved my life and that I don’t have real problems (with some other words in between). My therapist looked at me and said “okay, but did you hear that you said the words saved my life and not real problems in the same sentence. Those two things contradict each other.” And honestly I did. I heard it when it came out of my mouth and then heard it when she said it. Although I logically know that the problems are real, my feelings don’t feel that way.

This actually reminds me of a clip that I saw from the show “Maid” on Netflix. A young woman leaves her abusive household and is at a shelter intake center. She said, “I don’t want to take away a bed from someone who has been abused for real”. The lady at the center asked her, “And what does real abuse look like”? “What does fake abuse look like?” There are so many misconceptions surrounding the idea that abuse is happening as a result of physical hitting. While this is obviously a form of abuse, there are other kinds of abuse that are dangerous as well. And can escalate to physical violence that can result in death.

My Final Straw

This conversation with my therapist got me thinking about the words that caused me to leave when I did. I was already on the edge, but wasn’t sure that I could do it. The words themselves pushed me over the edge. With that in mind, I wanted to share some of the things that were shared with me as I was leaving that stuck out because they were shocking to me. Keep in mind that these are not an exhaustive list and that there have been so many additional impactful things said.

• “Angry Hand Gestures!” This was something that my friend texted me, actually quite often towards the end of my marriage. These were in response to little things that I would share. Things that I thought didn’t matter at all. Realizing these were not good things, helped me understand how big the bad things were.
• “But where is he? He said that he was going to do ….. It would be so much easier on you if he would just help. Why does he make you have to do…”- These were words said to me by my foster daughter that we had at the time. Hearing a five year old who had not had a strong father figure start to piece together that things weren’t right, was a big wake up call.
• “Amber, how would you feel if your mom got a phone call to find out that you were dead? That your husband killed you. Because that is where we are if you don’t leave now.” – This was said to me by my director at work who also had left an abusive relationship. These were the words that prompted me to leave at the time that I did. These were the final straw.
• “Amber, I need you to hear this. What has been happening. That is called domestic violence. It is abuse. No matter what happens moving forward, I need you to know that that is what this is.”- This was said to me by the call taker at the Center for Women & Families when I called them. This was the first time I had paired the words domestic violence with what was happening to me.
• “If you were to retain custody of this dog, one of three things will happen. He will kidnap the dog. He will kill the dog. He will kill you. You will never be safe if you have this dog.” This was said by the mediator in the divorce settlement. This was said by someone who had presided over many similar situations.
• “He has committed at least four different felonies here. I don’t care who his family is, you deserve justice.” This was said to me by a trusted police officer in a safe district. I had known some of the things were wrong. But I didn’t know they were illegal.

I am so thankful for the people that have helped me along the way and those who have shared vital information to me. As I have moved forward after leaving I have learned more and more things about my situation. Truly the further you are from the situation and the person, the clearer your head is. There are still things that my ex-husband has taught me that run deep in my brain, but I at least logically know that those things aren’t true anymore.