December is always an interesting month for me. Within this month falls not only my old wedding anniversary, but also the anniversary of my divorce being finalized. In fact, yesterday was my 3rd anniversary of officially being divorced from my abusive ex-husband. Although this is a time that is difficult, it is also a great time to look at how far I have come. To celebrate my freedom and how my life is better than it once was.
Mixed Feelings
I always want to normalize the idea of having mixed feelings. I think, so commonly we think that we should feel one way or another (especially with emotions that feel opposing). Most of us, more often than not, have a mixture of feelings that show up at the same time. The two that I often feel around this time that seem so opposing are anger and joy.
Angry Feelings
It is likely obvious where the angry feelings come from. There is anger at a lot of different things.
- How many awful things my ex-husband did
- The seeming lack of justice for what he did to me
- The way that things are so much harder because of the trauma he caused
- The fact that he gets to just move on with his life, while I was left picking up the pieces of mine
Joyful Feelings
Despite these angry feelings, I also have the capacity for feeling a lot of joy for how things have gotten better since leaving.
- Looking at the cute little home that I have created for myself
- Being able to make my own decisions
- Being able to speak my mind without the need to walk on eggshells or apologize all the time
- Connecting with awesome people who appreciate me for who I am
Better Off Now
One thing that I know without a single doubt, is that I am better off without my ex-husband. Even when PTSD or health things are difficult, money is tight, or I feel lonely-I know that where I am now is still better.
I do think it is important to note that what happened to me at the hands of my ex-husband did not make me stronger. It left me cracked in more ways than one. The measure of strength doesn’t come from the suffering itself at the hands of my abuser. No, it comes from inside of me. It comes from how I chose and continue to choose to move forward after what he did. I have put in so much work to better understand myself and what happened. To recognize that I had the strength and worth all along.
My justice comes in much the same way as the strength. It doesn’t come from an apology or legal action taken against my ex-husband. It comes from within me, and with me living a better life. I get to know what true happiness is! Know what it means to have true friends. And have the power and autonomy to make decisions for myself and my future. It might not take away the bad that happened, but I can be proud of how I am growing and that I am better than I used to be.
