This post is going to be a little different than the posts that I typically make. I want to share a poem with you all that I wrote for domestic violence awareness month. The poem is entitled, “But He Never” and it is meant to highlight how an abuser can not do certain abusive things, but yet still be engaged in domestic violence.
But He Never
Walking on eggshells
Blood pumping, heart racing
Hands shaking, barely breathing
Nerves waiting in anticipation
Do I run, hide, or fight
Always calculating my next move
But He Never Hit Me
Better not win or make a good point
Furniture would be slammed
Walls and counters beaten
Tennis Racket bent on a fence
Gaming controller in pieces on the floor
But He Never Hit Me
Don’t dare question him
There will just be screams
Conditioned to think I was crazy
That my feelings didn’t matter
I was always ruining his day
When he hurt me, it was just a joke
But He Never Hit Me
My boundaries didn’t matter
He would take what he wanted
Yanked my face and kissed me
Held me down on the bed
Called me a tease
Wouldn’t take no for an answer
But He Never Hit Me
Always was on the lookout
For the loaded gun he carried
Sometimes hidden and sometimes everywhere
I couldn’t be sure he had it
Until he was waiving it around
Or subtly sliding it in between us
A constant reminder that he could shoot me
But He Never Hit Me
My sense of self, safety, and trust were gone
I lost my foster girls
He took my dog from me
Gone was the home I built
My body deteriorated from the stress
But He Never Hit Me
The Important Thing to Remember
It is so important to remember that your domestic violence experience, no matter what it looked like, is valid. I have struggled so much and still do on occasion with the concept that what happened to me wasn’t okay. That my experience and how it made me feel is enough. Even sharing this poem was difficult for me, because I start to feel like what I went through wasn’t “that bad” because my ex-husband never hit me. Physical violence is a subset of the type of abuse that can be experienced when in a domestic violence relationship. Which means that there are many other tactics that abusers will use to hold control over you. No matter what type of abuse you experienced, your feelings are completely valid. One type of abuse is not inherently better or worse than another. You didn’t/don’t deserve what you went/are going through. You are a warrior!
