Communicating Needs in a Relationship

In any and all relationships, it is incredibly important to be clearly communicating your needs and wants. If you are not communicating, you cannot expect the other person to be aware. They may think that you are happy with how things currently are in your relationship. If you are unhappy or your needs are not being met, make sure that you are being clear in your expectations.

How I Was Communicating My Needs

In my relationship I often tried to share what I needed, but since I was in a narcissistic relationship this often did not go as planned. When I was communicating my needs:

• I faced screaming
• I was told that I was crazy and was lied to
• I was told that they weren’t a big deal
• I was asked why I couldn’t let it go
• I got so confused by his statements that I would forget some of my main points

This was not functional for our relationship and especially not for me. But it was so hard to have a conversation with a person who would scream and storm out at something as simple as when I would question us spending money on something expensive that we didn’t need and wouldn’t actually use.

Changing My Communication Strategy

After I finally reached the point that I couldn’t take it anymore, I changed my strategy. I was worried that my ex-husband wasn’t supporting me properly because I wasn’t communicating. It is was important to make sure that he was fully aware of my needs.

I wrote everything down. No matter what my ex-husband would say, it wouldn’t throw me off. I was very specific because he always found wiggle room. Not only that, I gave a deadline. He was going to have to make progress or show effort on what I needed within two months (which was more than reasonable) or I couldn’t stay married to him.

When this conversation happened, I took him to a public space and got him food first. So we were in a safe public space and he would be happier with food. I read straight from what I had written and didn’t let him interrupt. I was so firm that he didn’t say anything, but okay. This did not end up panning out and he didn’t do any of these things. He actually got more abusive after this, but I at least knew I had fully communicated.

Reminders

Yes, it is important to have open communication in a relationship. But that means that the communication must go both ways. Both people must be willing to be equal partners. To listen to one another. Ask questions. And put forth effort to support your partner.

If the communication is always one sided and always ends up with you being hurt or confused, this is a red flag. At the very least, you are not in what is currently a healthy relationship and could use some couple’s therapy. You deserve a person who will listen to you and take you seriously. You deserve better!