Cycle of Abuse

If you compare the stories of those who have faced abusive relationships, there is often a lot of overlap in the way that abusers operate. Abuser’s actions generally follow what is known as the cycle of abuse. This cycle may take place over a large amount of time (months, weeks) or it could happen in quick succession (days, hours). It often depends on the escalation of the abuser.

Stages of the Cycle of Abuse

Honeymooning/Calm- This is the stage when an abuser is sweet. They may remind you of all the reasons why you love them. Things are peaceful. The abuser may do nice things for you or give you lots of compliments.

Tension Building- This is the stage when an abuser starts creating stress for the survivor. They may begin reminding you that you are useless. They may have small/minor emotional moments. Or just be neglectful.

Incident- This is the stage when a major act of abuse happens. Hitting, sexually assaulting, large emotional outbursts, etc.

Reconciliation- This is the stage when an abuser tries to cover up what happened. This could be through gaslighting, making excuses, etc.

My Experience with My Abuser’s Cycle

Now that I have been separated from my ex-husband for almost three years I can look back and reflect on how he followed this cycle. So many times, these things happened. At the end of our relationship, when I was asserting power and when I didn’t believe him anymore, he began escalating. The time between repeats of the cycle was often just a matter of days or even within the same day. I am at the anniversary of when my ex-husband sexually assaulted/raped me (for what I thought at the time was the first time). I have flashbacks of the moments that happened with him on this day and I want to talk about how it followed the cycle of abuse.

Honeymooning/Calm

My ex-husband had been mad at me for days. Incredibly angry because I was sick. Angry because I didn’t go on the planned girl’s trip I had because I was still not feeling well. He had screamed in my face, slammed things, and pointed his gun at me. The next day it was like none of it had happened. He was the sweetest he had been in a long time. The day started with him planning a date to take me on. A date to places that I really enjoy. We went to the park, to eat at one of my favorite restaurants, and he promised to take me to a special place for dessert (a surprise).

Tension Building

As we went to the place for dessert, it took ages to get there. It was about an hour and a half to two hours from home. We drove all the way there only to find out that the special soda shop was closed. It is always closed on Sunday. He was upset. He started yelling about it. It was the world’s fault and it was my fault for not looking up the hours before we went (even though it was a surprise). We ended up getting ice cream at a place close to our house. Then when there he started mentioning his conceal carry permit. He pulled his gun out of nowhere and sat it in the cupholder making mention of the fact that I didn’t know he had it.

Incident

When we arrived home, he became sweet for a small moment. He “helped” me do the dishes. While doing the dishes he started flirting with me. Then he kissed me. I told him that I didn’t want to make out with him, that I didn’t feel well. He guided me to the bedroom anyway and laid his gun on the bedside table. I said that we could cuddle, but I didn’t want to make out or be romantic with him. I said “no” so many times. Then he told me that I didn’t have a choice. That I wasn’t allowed to say no. He forced me to do things I didn’t want to do, because I was scared. But I ran away before he could finish what he wanted to do.

Reconciliation

As I ran away he yelled several things at me. “You’re such a tease”. “You owed me.” “I made you happy, you can’t tell me no.” “You wanted this, you can’t change your mind.” He told me all the things I needed to know that it was my fault. That I was dirty. That I led him on. When in reality none of that was true. Immediately afterwards he cooked me dinner (he never cooked) and went out to buy me a special treat.

In Summary

This is just a kind reminder to everyone that hindsight is 20/20. This cycle is very manipulative and it is so common because it is effective. It does not make you weak or at fault for falling for this pattern. When in the situation we are in survival mode. It is nearly impossible to put these pieces together until an outside force intervenes or you get some degree of separation. Thankfully I had a friend I was able to share this with and she showed me it wasn’t right. Thankfully my abuser went on a vacation a little over a week after this incident. It gave me enough space to be able to decide that I needed to leave before he hurt me more or killed me.