After I left my abusive marriage, I was certain that dating would never be for me. How would I know that I could trust them? How could I know that I wouldn’t make the same mistake I made the first time? Why would I risk getting hurt in the same way again? Not only that, could I be a good partner to someone else?
I took my time after I left my abusive marriage. Spent my time working hard in EMDR therapy in order to process what I went through. I didn’t want to jump right into another similar situation. I knew I needed to work on myself first. After about 2 years of work, I realized not only was I ready, but that I craved having a connection with someone else (one going beyond friendship). But let me tell you, dating is not always fun and it is truthfully very difficult.
Getting Used to Dating in 2025
I feel like I don’t really know how to date or what it is supposed to be like because I didn’t really do it the first time around. My ex-husband was the first person I went on dates with and then we got married. So, I don’t know if I am doing things correctly. But according to my EMDR therapist, no one really knows what they are doing.
Dating in 2025 is so difficult. It is so focused in an online platform, especially if you are no longer meeting people that you go to school with or work with. The online dating world is so icky. It is incredibly superficial and based on a very quick look. You make judgements incredibly quickly on whether you are interested in a person without talking to them. Once making matches with people, they want to decide within 24 hours whether they want to meet you. It all happens quickly and with lots of assumptions. There isn’t time to build and people are not looking to build. So many are just wanting instant gratification and then to move on.
This form of dating feels so much like searching for and interviewing employees. It is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You often find after going on a couple of dates that you are not going to work out for whatever reason. What is even worse is that ghosting is such a common practice. Go on a few dates and then disappear, leaving a person not knowing what happened or if they were at fault. People don’t want to communicate or have a potentially hard conversation. It feels like this practice is not really working for most people.
How Divorce and Chronic Illness Complicates Things
Dating is complicated for literally everyone. Most people dislike online dating, but are not sure how else to go about trying to initiate the process. When you have chronic illness or have gone through a complicated relationship in your past, it makes things a little tricky. There are several things that I struggle with.
When do I mention that I have chronic illnesses or that I left an abusive relationship.
- If you don’t introduce this information upfront it looks like you are being manipulative.
- If you introduce this information upfront, you are overwhelming them
- With the quick method of decision making, people make assumptions of what I am capable of before giving me a chance to show them that these are not necessarily true.
How do I explain the abuse that I went through or the time spent not dating.
- Needing to share but also not talk too much about my ex-husband
- Not sounding like I am playing the “victim” or “villainizing” my ex-husband
- Wanting to explain why I am more cautious or want to go a bit slower
- Why I struggle with physical intimacy because of being a victim of SA multiple times
- Why I might have difficulty with them owning weapons (especially if they are not safely stored)
Being able to keep up the pace and expectations that others are looking for.
- People wanting to start being physically intimate within 2-3 dates
- Trying to balance my energy with work, appointments, treatments, and still finding time to date
- The triggers that come with trying to date again while still going through parts of the trauma healing process
- Trying to feel confident about my body post surgery and with my central line
How I am Moving Forward With Dating
In obvious summary, this process is challenging. But the thing is, I am not one to back down from a challenge. I am not scared of hard things. It has been crucial to know that I am capable of knowing what I deserve. I am not looking for a person out of desperation. Therefore I am not willing to settle. I don’t need a man, but I want a relationship that can enhance the great life that I already have. My judgement on people is good and I am capable of cutting off something if it doesn’t feel right.
But the key is, I have to keep trying. My friends are great at reminding me that I can go at my own pace. That when the time is right, I will find the person that is meant to be with me. I will take breaks from dating when it becomes too overwhelming or after dates don’t work out. But I will also get back out there and keep trying if by nothing else, being more open and willing to make connections with new people.
