Shame is a feeling that is incredibly heavy. It is the feeling that often prevents us from talking about our experiences. Causing us to keep secrets from those around us. Feeling like others are going to view us differently because of those experiences. That they will be able to see the things that we are already beating ourselves up about. But the truth is that when we let those feelings own us, they are going to weigh us down and prevent us from making true connections.
Shame From Abuse
Shame is a particularly common emotion for those who have suffered from abuse or from sexual assault. People, including myself, are very apprehensive about sharing these experiences with others. I am not sure if this is societally engrained in our brains or if there are other factors at play. Shame surrounding these topics typically looks like silence around them or not wanting to share all the details.
I know that I have felt a lot of shame and still do. Because I didn’t leave sooner. Because I let myself get manipulated by him. And because I did things I didn’t want to do in the name of survival. With that in mind, there are parts of my story that I have not shared within this blog or even with some of my closest friends and family members. But I am working on overcoming that shame.
How Do We Defeat It?
How do we overcome such a heavy emotion?
The first step is to understand why our brains respond to a traumatic experience the way they do. My therapist says that we often get upset with how our brains respond to trauma. If we aren’t able to fight or flee from a situation our brain does the best it can to survive and that can look like freezing or fawning. The shame comes in because we feel like we should have been able to fight or flee. But our brains do what they have to do for us to make it through.
Secondly, try to think about how you would respond if a family member or friend that you care about told you that this happened to them. Would you view them in a negative light? Could you blame them for what happened? Would you be upset that they told you? The answer is probably not. So why are you doing it to yourself?
Thirdly, we have to talk about it. My therapist says that “Shame is conquered by talking in safe spaces”. Maybe it’s not the best idea to tell the whole world right now, but talk to someone you trust when you are ready.
There is power and strength in being able to share your story! Telling your story doesn’t only help you, but it helps those around you. Helps them to be more understanding of those around them. Helps those that are going through or have gone through something similar. Which is actually the reason this blog started in the first place!
