In my journey with domestic violence one of the tricky parts to getting help or escaping was due to my fear of the police. This also became tricky when it came to reporting my ex-husband for assault. In this post, I want to talk about why I had a tough relationship with police and how/why I reported my ex-husband anyway.
Why I Fear the Police
I want to start by saying that I rationally and logically know that not all police are bad people. And I have had some positive and safe experiences with quite a few officers. However, that doesn’t mean that the system always works. It also doesn’t mean that my PTSD fully recognizes all officers as safe.
My ex-husband was and to my knowledge still is a 911 dispatcher. His entire family is police. His father is chief of police and many of his uncles run deep in several different branches of law enforcement throughout my area. My ex-husband never let me forget who his family is or how well connected they are. He reminded me constantly that if he ever got into trouble all he had to do was tell them who his father is. That reporting anything to the police or trying to get an order of protection would make everything worse.
I lost everything that was important to me during mediation because he and his father held all the power. I could never win, unless they thought they had won. Abuse of power–that is where the fear comes from.
My Experience Reporting My Ex-Husband
Reporting my ex-husband came in a variety of stages and with so many emotions and fears. I never reported him, while I lived with him. Never got an order of protection. Because if I did, I was sure that I would never survive or get away. He would be able to find me. They would usurp their power over me to take away anything I tried.
However, as I neared the 1 year anniversary of him sexually assaulting me, I felt called to do something. I felt like reporting him was important. Somewhat for a sense of justice for his wrongdoing. But more than that, I wanted to help other women who may find themselves in a similar position to where I was. I worked with my therapist to ensure that I was emotionally ready to do what I needed and had the resources to cope with the feelings afterwards as well. My therapist also got me connected to a female officer who was part of an agency that wasn’t connected to my ex’s family.
Part 1
The first report I made was to the female officer my therapist connected me with. I got to meet her in a safe place, at a park. She knew who my ex’s family was, but she said that it didn’t matter. All that mattered is what he did to me. I told her my story, in a way that wasn’t smooth, but the best I could do. I found out then that what he had done to me wasn’t just a crime, it was a felony. This officer wasn’t able to take my case because the crime happened outside her jurisdiction. So, she connected me with an officer she trusted with my local law enforcement.
Part 2
The second report I made was to another female officer. This officer was with the domestic violence unit within my local district. I was terrified. I couldn’t be reporting to the agency where several of his family members worked or used to work. It also didn’t feel safe. I had to go to their office and be in an interview room that was video recorded. I did have a friend who met me there. She made it midway through the interview and it was like a breath of fresh air. It was still scary, but it was better. I could hold her hand or look at her.
As I told my story, I kept explaining that these parts weren’t a big deal or that they were my fault. Explaining why I didn’t get a protection order. This officer looked at me and told me that she knew 1000% that I was telling the truth. That my story and the progression sounds so much like other stories she has heard. That the person in the wrong is generally not the person accepting blame for things that happened. She knew I was a victim of domestic violence and sexual assault. She told me that she couldn’t file charges that would be worthy of the risk going just the domestic violence route. She could file a report. That this report would be locked and that it could flag anyone in law enforcement who opened it.
Part 3
The third report I made was to the special victims unit of my local law enforcement. This report was specific to the sexual assault. This report was made to a male officer over the phone. He told me that I certainly had a case for a felony charge, but in order to move forward I would have to help them gain evidence. I would have to call my ex-husband and get him to admit to the sexual assault on a recorded line. This didn’t have to happen immediately. There is not a statute of limitations on felony charges.
I decided to not move forward at the time with filing felony charges. It felt too dangerous. I am at a point where my ex-husband feels like he has all the power. He feels he took everything from me. Doing this, would be a grasp at power on my part and could result in things not going well for me. I decided to file a report instead. This was if another woman came forward there would be more evidence on her behalf. I can always change my mind about filing felony charges, but for now, that is not what I feel safe doing.
