In my last post https://strengthinmystory.com/ex-mother-in-law-in-public/ I discussed how I saw my ex mother in law while I was out in public. This week I had the opportunity to talk with my EMDR therapist and it was amazing to hear that I appropriately used my coping skills and not only challenged, but respected and recognized my limits. While there we talked about whether or not I feel like I can keep myself safe. In response to her questions, I shared a journal entry that I had wrote about whether or not my ex-husband is my enemy. When I re-read it, I realized how powerful the entry is, so I wanted to share it with you all.
What is an Enemy?
Enemy. What is an enemy and what defines someone as one? The dictionary says it is “a person who is actively opposed or hostile to someone or something”. “One seeking to injure.” “Something harmful or deadly.”
Was My Ex My Enemy?
While at work we were talking about my friend who got bit by a Brown Recluse spider. They said that they wouldn’t wish it upon their worst enemy. Others said that they would wish it upon their exes. I didn’t say anything, but I was thinking and reflecting. Because the truth is, I wouldn’t wish it upon my ex. In fact, I don’t wish any harm upon him. I guess if anyone could have ever been/is my enemy it would be him. But I have never considered him as such. When I was married to him I was so torn between love and fear. And I felt like the fear came from fault of my own. He couldn’t be my enemy because he “loved me”.
What About Now?
Now, I still don’t see my ex-husband as an enemy. I think that is because he no longer gets to have power over me. He may haunt my dreams sometimes and I fear he could inflict hurt if we crossed paths again. But I know that I can protect myself. He doesn’t get to own an area of town. He doesn’t get to control me or my choices anymore. He doesn’t deserve to live in my head in more ways than the existing trauma that I am working hard at processing.
So no, he isn’t my enemy (not anymore). He doesn’t get to have that powerful title. I don’t wish harm to him, but after a long night of nightmares I cried about what I do wish. I wish for him to meet justice for his wrongs. What I really wish is that He had never done all those things to me and for all the things he did to others. I wish that version of him never existed. But I guess if that were true, I wouldn’t be where I am now. In a place I know I’m powerful!
