Seeing my Ex Mother In Law in Public

I had completely different plans for this post today, but a situation popped up this afternoon, that makes more sense to get off my chest. As I have talked about before, I have PTSD surrounding my prior abusive marriage. At the start of my journey after leaving my ex-husband, I was terrified to go most places in public. I was especially unable to go to places that existed near my old neighborhood. This is out of fear of coming face to face with him, or really his immediate family again. I had made it three years without running into them at all. However, this afternoon I ran into my ex mother in law.

Trauma Triggers

In many of my prior posts, I have mentioned trauma triggers. Trauma triggers can be anything that evoke intense emotional distress from a prior traumatic event. I have a variety of triggers that I have been becoming more familiar with. In EMDR, I work on learning about what my trauma triggers are and how to make them less impactful and distressing.

It is important to remember that the goal of EMDR is not to make these triggers disappear, especially as some of them are useful and meant to keep you safe. In my situation, for example, running into my ex-husband or his immediate family could truly pose a safety risk to me (from the lens of my therapist, as well as the lens of those who work in domestic violence cases). Therefore, we do not want to completely diminish this trigger, but we want it to not cause me to stop trying to live life. Over time many of my triggers have lessened and even if they haven’t, my reactions to those triggers have been more manageable.

Running into my ex mother in law was a major trigger. The only trigger larger than this trigger (to my knowledge) would be running into my ex-husband himself.

My Reaction to my Ex Mother In Law

When I think about my prior PTSD reactions, they were much more extreme to the ones that I had today, even though seeing my ex mother in law was a bigger trigger. Before, when starting my journey, a PTSD reaction would result in:

• Hiding underneath of a desk/table
• Being curled up in a ball
• Refusing to go into places
• Running away from the area, or driving with nowhere particular in mind until I felt safe
• Taking all day to be able to feel functional again
• Etc.

This afternoon I went to get something to eat and while standing in line I noticed that the person in front of me looked like my ex mother in law. Before, just seeing someone who looked similar would have sent me moving straight out of the restaurant. I thought my PTSD was tricking me, and so I challenged it. I stayed in line. Even ordered my food and got my drink. Then I saw her again coming to get her food. The staff called her friend’s name (a name I knew was the name of her friend). Then they called her name. And it was her name. I felt petrified, frozen. This couldn’t be happening. I turned to the soda machine, so that she couldn’t directly see my face. I pretended I didn’t see her. Before, I would have definitely run from the restaurant. But I waited, and I got my food (flinching so hard when they yelled my name through the restaurant). I tried to eat, but just couldn’t stay seated longer. I took food with me and left as quickly as possible.

The Ensuing Panic Attack

I can say that I was so proud of my immediate reaction, I held things together well and I didn’t let her stop me from getting my food. I also didn’t immediately drive super far away. Now, I did start hyperventilating and feeling the physical effects of the panic attack. The panic and the worry. What were the chances she really didn’t notice me? What if she tells my ex-husband that she saw me? This would make him think about me again, when I have been working so hard to make sure he doesn’t even think about my existence. Given what my therapists and those working in domestic violence have told me, he can decide to reappear and try to keep taking things away from me if he thinks that I am doing to well without him (taking that power away from him). This made my panic heighten. I reached out to my friend via text and to my mom to slow the impending panic.

Thankfully, due to my work in EMDR, I know how to work my way through a panic attack. The key is getting reconnected with the present and with my logical brain. So I started activating my senses. Moving my body by walking around. Paying attention to things that I was seeing. Eating something crunchy. Solving basic math problems in my head. Then I worked through notifying my EMDR therapist as well as journaling and writing out this blog post.

It’s a shame that the aftereffects of abuse can still be so rough to deal with, even years later. It stinks that I have to worry about these kind of things. Especially when I want to move on and do anything that I want carefree. I just wanted to try and enjoy a chicken biscuit. That’s just not how it works. But I can be proud that I was able to handle it relatively well. Proud that I don’t let it own my life, even when some moments are really difficult.