In abusive relationships, especially emotionally/narcissisticly abusive ones, there are manipulative tactics at play. Abusers use a variety of manipulative techniques from gaslighting to triangulation. One that is incredibly common is feigning ignorance.
What is Feigning Ignorance?
The basics of feigning ignorance is that the manipulator pretends to have no idea about something. Basically they are none the wiser when in reality they know exactly what is going on.
Some examples of feigning ignorance include:
- Pretending to not know how to do a variety of tasks
- Saying that they have no idea what you are talking about
- Committing errors under the guise of ignorance
Why This Tactic Works
Feigning ignorance is a very common manipulative tactic. It is common because it is very effective and gets the manipulator good results.
Pretending to not be able to do something often will get the manipulator out of the task. The other person will often step in to assist with getting the task done. This allows the manipulator to do what they want to do and puts the work on someone else.
Saying that they don’t know what you are talking about can also go hand in hand with gaslighting. Them denying any knowledge of what is going on can make the other person feel confused. It can also result in the other person apologizing to the manipulator for confronting them.
Making errors under the guise of ignorance allows the manipulator to get their own way while also getting credit for “trying”. Sometimes these errors can be detrimental to the goals of the other person (i.e. making a major credit purchase while in the process of closing on a home).
How to Recognize Feigned Ignorance
Truthfully this tactic can be very difficult to start to see. I am just now recognizing how often my ex-husband did this. As a trusting person we often see the admission of ignorance as someone truly trying their best. And it makes you want to help.
It is important to remember that not everyone who is admitting ignorance is feigning it. The key here is how often it happens compared to their knowledge base and whether they learn from it. One can only claim ignorance about the same topic so many times before it is not real. If you are noticing this is a trend in your relationship- I recommend bringing it up in a couple’s therapy session. The other person may not even be aware of this behavior and can work on better communication with you.
