Forgiveness is one of those things that can be difficult to do. Forgiving others for their wrongdoing can be challenging, especially if there is no ownership or apology for their actions. However, oftentimes, the most difficult person to forgive is yourself.
Parts of Forgiving
Forgiveness is not something that just happens. You can accept an apology and still not have actually forgiven the individual who committed the wrongdoing. Forgiving looks like:
- Spending time processing the emotions involved
- Allowing yourself to feel the emotions and acknowledge their presence
- Try to see things from the other person’s perspective (or from your past knowledge)
- Practice compassion and grace- everyone is human and capable of error
- Allow yourself the ability to release yourself from the burden of the resentment that you feel
- Set Boundaries (forgiving doesn’t mean that you allow yourself to continue being harmed)
My Struggle with Forgiveness
Generally speaking, I am a very forgiving person. It is honestly what led me to accept my situation with my ex-husband for as long as I did. I gave him too much grace and assumption of good intent when it wasn’t truly there. However, I struggle with forgiving myself. This is something that I have gone through in EMDR therapy and am continuing to work on. This is especially true this time of the year. The one thing that I have not been able to forgive myself for is for what happened with my foster girls. My therapist has asked me what it will take to do so, and I don’t know the answer. I talk a lot about things that I have learned on this page, but I think it is also important to highlight struggles. Because struggles are so real and honest and it would be dishonest to assume that I have everything figured out.
How I am Working Through That Journey
I have deep regrets for having brought the girls into my home and can’t forgive myself for the trauma that I know I caused them when I had to move them to a new home. I have made progress in terms of recognizing and giving myself bits of grace.
- I was manipulated into thinking that my ex-husband wanted to have the girls as much as me.
- I gave the girls lots of positive experiences while they were in my care.
- I was part of their journey to finding their adoptive home (which was the home I helped get them to).
- The reason that I gave them up was for their safety (I didn’t want him to hurt them). Which would have been more trauma in the long run.
- I was in a truly terrible situation.
- Giving them up was against everything that I wanted. It was an ultimate sacrifice in their best interest. Which my therapist reminds me was the best sign that I was being a great mom.
This is a good start on my journey to forgiveness and I hope that I will eventually be able to forgive myself. It will just take more work and conscious effort on my end. I know that the girls are currently thriving and I hope that they can forgive me as well. This is a reminder that if you are also struggle with forgiving yourself that it is a journey and not something that happens automatically. We can all get there.
