Gaslighting & Repeating the Cycle

Today I am going in a different direction than was anticipated because I want to talk about how things can be cyclical. We often talk about cycles of abuse. And people re-entering toxic relationships after getting out of one previously. Falling for gaslighting is another one of these cyclical things.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a term that is often used to describe a manipulative tactic used in emotionally abusive or narcissistic relationships. It is a manipulative tactic in which the perpetrator is trying to confuse you. This does several things for the manipulator.

• It can make the victim doubt themselves or think they are in the wrong
• It can make the victim feel like they are crazy
• It will give power to the perpetrator

Gaslighting can happen in all types of relationships. This can happen between parent and child. Between friends. With supervisors and employees. Between people who are dating or married. And even with medical professionals and patients.

Cycle of Gaslighting

When you talk to mental health professionals they will tell you that often the people who are more susceptible to gaslighting in romantic relationships have experienced it or other types of emotional abuse in previous relationships. For me, that didn’t seem true. My therapists would talk to me about my family and friendships that I had and none of them were abusive. I also hadn’t been in a previous romantic relationship before I got married.

However, I was a victim of medical gaslighting, which I didn’t know was a thing. I have a neurological condition called Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome and an additional diagnosis now of Functional Neurological Disorder. But the road to get those diagnoses was hard.

• I was called a liar
• I overheard medical staff telling others that I was crazy
• Was told that nothing was wrong with me (when everything felt like it was on fire)
• Or that I was exaggerating the pain and “all I have to do is…”

I experienced this because I didn’t have a condition that was well known, one that makes sense, or one that can show up on the current medical tests. But I learned, I learned that my pain and my condition didn’t really matter and that I had to prove everything to everyone (because I had to). What I know now is that didn’t mean that my pain and my diagnosis wasn’t real. And I don’t have to prove everything to everyone.

Overcoming the Cycle

The biggest thing that we can do to overcome this cycle is to be aware of it and reflect on it. Now I am aware that doctors have employed this tactic (intentionally or not) because my condition didn’t make sense to them. I am aware of how my ex-husband used gaslighting to make me feel like I was at fault for everything in our marriage that went wrong or was hard. Knowing how this was done to me, will help me spot it in future relationships. I now know what I am worth and more than anything, that I am not crazy.