In my last blog post, I discussed a series of nightmares that I have been experiencing lately: https://strengthinmystory.com/nightmares-with-ptsd/. The series of nightmares surround the loss of my dog, Gatsby. Gatsby did not pass away, but he was taken from me by my ex-husband during the divorce process. In this post, I want to talk a little bit more about my emotions surrounding this loss and a technique called “ghost phone” that my therapist recommended.
Three Years Without Gatsby
Last week it became officially three years since I had to drop Gatsby off to never get to see him again. I remember so clearly those moments. These are the things that I remember:
- Doing my best to ensure he would be well taken care of (writing care instructions and sending his favorite things)
- Writing “Mommy loves you” on the inside of his collar, hoping he would remember that I still cared
- Holding onto him tight in the backseat while my friend drove us to the drop off spot
- Telling him to be such a good boy and that I hope he has fun with his dad
- Collapsing in the yard with him, not wanting to take him all the way
- Not being able to let go of the leash, while the person there told me “just let go, its not that big of a deal”
- My friend having to pull me away so that we could get out of there before my ex-husband showed up
When I talked these moments through with my EMDR therapist I just started crying. Actually she told me that she might start crying to. She told me that she could hear the pure grief and how important that the loss of Gatsby was and still is to me. Gatsby saved my life and he was there for me in the thick of all the devastating feelings and panic that I felt during my abusive marriage and as I ran away. But I wasn’t capable of saving him.
The Ghost Phone Technique
My EMDR therapist was working on giving me tools to help me in continuing to process this grief, guilt, and the nightmares. She told me that she wasn’t sure of the exact name, but that she was going to call it a technique called “ghost phone”. She said that she had heard of cemeteries having a “phone” that people can hold and talk to their loved ones who have passed. The thought being that talking aloud to those who have passed can be part of the healing process to cope with grief.
Implementation of This Technique
On the anniversary date of the day I lost Gatsby, I decided to try implementing this technique to see if it would be helpful. I didn’t actually use a “phone” for this process. Instead, I held onto a picture frame that has one of my favorite pictures of Gatsby that I took after I had left my marriage.
When I talked to Gatsby, I will be honest, it was very emotional. I feel like I was ugly crying, it was not elegant in the slightest. It was a raw and emotional moment. I told him that I miss him and that I still love him. That I hope that he is doing okay and enjoying life. That I hope that he isn’t confused as to why I never came back for him. I explained to him why I had to let him go. I let him know that he saved my life and that I am now in such a safer place. And of course I apologized and told him that he is such a good boy.
Looking back on having implemented this technique, I can say that I have been feeling better emotionally. I have had a substantially less nightmares about losing him. Knowing that I got to say what I needed to, I think was really important to the healing process. I wanted to share this technique with all of you in case you want to try to implement it as well. Reminder that you can make it your own, just keep the premise of talking to those you have lost. It will not be a fun experience, but it is a normal part of the grief experience.
