I realize that it has been a bit since I have posted. That is partially due to the fact that I have been very busy. But also because I have been doing very challenging healing work. This post is going to be the start of me talking about this difficult and scary journey.
I stumbled into a song by Citizen Soldier called, “Better Off Broken” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQJADFTaXVE&list=RDvQJADFTaXVE&start_radio=1) and it does a great job of describing how hard healing from trauma is.
Better Off Broken
It is tricky to explain, but healing from complex trauma is scary. There are several lines in this song that I think call this out. We are going to talk about a couple.
- “All the suppression, session by session, pulled to the surface. All of the demons through the years I’ve bottled up. But I am exhausted and the past is too much.” This line really hits on how we suppress trauma and emotions overtime. It is exhausting and emotional work to bring all that back to the surface.
- “I’m so tired of tearing the trauma back open. Am I better off, better off broken?” So the question begs, is it easier and safer to keep everything suppressed?
Why Might we Feel This Way?
Our brains are very protective of us. This goes back to a need to survive (survival instincts). When we undergo trauma, or brains automatically do what is necessary to stay safe and prevent as much pain as possible. Especially when the trauma is complex and/or long-term, our brains build systems and techniques to keep us safe. We become very good at staying and feeling safe using these techniques. Once we are out of the traumatic situation our brains keep the measures they built even though we don’t need them anymore. Therapy and healing try to change these measures. In doing so, it is making us let go of how we felt safe for so long. That feels very unsafe and leads to an uptick in things like nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, etc. We have to learn to manage these until we establish new framework for our brains.
Better on the Other Side of Healing
One of my friends mentioned to me that this process reminded her of this quote from Harry Potter. “So you’re going to suffer….but you’re going to be happy about it.”
You are going to feel suffering when pulling all the trauma to the surface. It is going to hurt. It is going to be challenging to see past the panic and pain that you feel. But on the other side, once you can build that new framework you will feel so much better. You will be proud and happy to have gotten to this place. You just have to be patient and give yourself grace. This is not easy work. You are worth the hard work and deserve the peace and happiness that will come.
