A very challenging aspect of the grieving process and processing trauma is moving to a place of acceptance. A place of being able to let go of pieces of the past that you are clinging to. This can be especially difficult when you may not have any closure on some or all of the things that happened to you.
Why It’s Hard to Let Go Without Closure?
When something incredibly important happens to you or you lose something that you hold immense value over you may seek closure to be able to fully move forward from it. For example, people may seek acknowledgement of or an apology for abusive or neglectful behaviors. Or people may need to accept that a person or beloved animal are truly gone. Depending on the circumstances surrounding these moments, you may not be able to get that closure. For example, my ex-husband wrongfully took my dog away from me. It has been incredibly difficult to know that my buddy is still out there. It makes me feel like there may always be a chance that I get him back. Another example is that I never got to say what I wanted to say to my ex-husband. He chose to file for divorce without letting me talk or ask any questions of him. There are a lot of unanswered and unacknowledged things, that make it difficult for me to let go of what happened and let go of him.
How I Have Started to Let Go
I have started to try to take some actions that allow me to move towards acceptance without the need for external validation from my ex-husband. I want to clarify that this does not mean that I have reached closure. But I have taken some large steps that are aiding in that journey.
The first thing that I did was on the anniversary of my divorce becoming official. I still have a couple of items that I got from him that I haven’t been able to get rid of. One was a rock. This may seem silly. But this rock was the first gift that my ex-husband ever gave me. He taught me how to skip rocks and he told me he found me the perfect skipping rock. I wanted to do a lot of things with this rock. My friends wanted in their minds for me to throw this rock through his window (but I would never do that). I wanted to mail him the rock with notes written on it. I decided that was making it about him instead of about me.
So, I wrote on the rock that I am “Better Without You” (meaning him of course). Then I took it to the river to throw it in. I thought this would be easy. But when I got there, I couldn’t throw the rock. It was a physical manifestation of being unable to let go. After hyping myself up, I finally chucked it to the center of the river. Letting go of the rock and the ability to ever use it to engage with my ex-husband.
The other step that I took was on New Year’s Eve. My social media had been frozen in time. Locked in place since I ran away. I went through and changed my profile picture, my last name, and my relationship status. The bigger thing though was that I unfriended and unfollowed my ex-husband on these platforms. This was a huge piece of letting go. I let go of being able to communicate with him through these platforms if I wanted to, the ability to see what he is up to, and the ability to see pictures of my dog.
Important Things to Remember
Getting to closure and acceptance is a difficult process and a journey. Please do not be surprised if you go through the stages of grief along your way to acceptance. But also, don’t be surprised if once you reach acceptance that you have moments that take you back into the grieving cycle. It is okay to still get angry or have moments of sadness after finding acceptance. Give yourself grace in these moments and know that it is normal. Grief has ways of sneaking up on us, no matter how far along in the process we are. Remember too that this journey looks differently for everyone and there is not a “correct” timeline for this. You will get there in your own time. As long as you are taking steps or giving yourself grace as you practice self-care, you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. We are going to get there!
