Consistently missing events and moments that are important to you is common in emotionally and/or narcissisticly abusive relationships. This is a way that your abuser can show you that they don’t care. Or that your accomplishment is not important. This is a tool used for the devaluing stage in a narcissistic relationship in which the abuser is trying to tear you down and make you feel worthless.
Missing Achievements
I have many examples of this that I could share. One of which was something that I only witnessed from my mother in law.
I will discuss the example with my mother in law first. This was at my ex-husband’s graduation from college. She was there for a portion of the graduation and left early. She left early to get to a restaurant and eat fried pickles. That’s right, she chose to miss part of his big moment to eat fried pickles.
One example with my ex-husband was me running the mini-marathon. This was a big deal for me and was going to be a huge accomplishment. It was right on his way home from work, just after he was scheduled to leave work. It would have been so easy for him to cheer me on. Instead he drove straight home and fell asleep. He missed me crossing the finish line.
How This Makes You Feel
There may be a lot of feelings that you have when someone important to you chooses themselves over your important moment. You might be angry. You might be sad. Maybe disappointed. You might feel like you are not important or uncared for. In my case I also felt like I had made my ex-husband upset. That I was doing something that made him not care about me anymore. Which just made me try even harder. Remember that all of these feelings are valid. But it is also true that you deserve a relationship with someone who cares enough to show up for you the way you do for them.
The fried pickles story sadly doesn’t surprise me. I’m so glad you are away from ALL of them.