Narcissism is a word that gets tossed around a lot, but what does it really mean? When you hear the word narcissism or narcissist, you are probably thinking of one thing: self-centeredness. This may be the dictionary definition. However, when we are looking at someone being clinically diagnosed as a narcissist it becomes much more involved. Although self centeredness is a characteristic, there are many more important things to note.
Types of Narcissism
Although there are many subtypes of maladaptive narcissism, there are ultimately two predominant types that I will discuss here that I have familiarity with in my life: overt & covert. Overt and covert distinctions are polar opposites of one another. However, the goal of both types is to be the most important and to take advantage of those around them (their supply).
In my life I have experience with an overt narcissist in that of my mother in law. Overt narcissists are generally very boisterous, outgoing, argumentative, overbearing, and have a highly inflated ego. Here are a couple of ways that this presented in my mother in law.
- Constantly putting others down around her….no one was as good as her
- Constantly one-upping other’s problems….no one’s problems were as important as hers
- My ex-husband and I always had to put our needs on hold to fulfill her wants and needs
- Attempting to not allow her children and their spouses to have any choices in their lives…. she had to control everyone around her
In my life I also have experience with a covert narcissist in that of my ex-husband. Covert narcissists are generally harder to detect because they use manipulation to control those around them. They generally appear to have low self-esteem, play the victim, are very defensive, and are prone to avoidance. Here are a couple of ways that this presented in my ex-husband.
- Use of social media to create a false persona for the world
- I was always to blame for everything that happened in our relationship…he could not be at fault
- Avoidance of hard conversations and hard things in general…he could not handle anything being difficult
- Presented as unconfident in anything…especially when it came to tasks around the home or at work
Note that these things alone are not enough to say that a person is definitely a narcissist without knowing more information about them and their intent. They may be unaware that they are doing these things and can work on improving themselves. If you feel that someone you are in a relationship with may be a narcissist, I highly recommend couple’s therapy. Working with a licensed therapist can help you determine how to move forward and can assist the person you are in a relationship with to improve. Please note that you cannot fix anyone. You can make encouragements, however, people have to want to change in order to actually make a change.
