As I mentioned in my previous blog post: https://strengthinmystory.com/sexual-assault-awareness-month/, this month is sexual assault awareness month. Unfortunately, there are many misconceptions when it comes to sexual assault. These misconceptions often result in victim blaming (from the perpetrator and the general public). One of the biggest is the idea that what someone once said, once did, or wore means they were asking to be assaulted. Even when they said no. The truth of it is, saying no is all a person needs to do. Saying no is them drawing that boundary line of “I don’t want this”.
Being Married Doesn’t Eliminate Saying No
Just because you are married, does not mean that your spouse cannot sexually assault you. For me, being married meant to my ex-husband that I had to have a good enough reason for saying no. When I said “no”, “stop”, or “I don’t like that” he would roll his eyes and say “oh come on” or “well why not?”. I would often respond with “because I don’t want you to”. That was never a good enough answer. He would continue the barrage of questions or keep doing what he was doing. No matter if it was regarding having sex or just touching/kissing. I learned that this is not okay. Eventually I told him, “because no is all I have to say, it is enough that I don’t want to”. Remember, being married doesn’t eliminate your choice.
No Doesn’t Mean I Have to Compromise
Saying no doesn’t mean that you have to give something in return. This was another big thing for my ex-husband. He would say, “well if you aren’t going to do that, you have to do this”. There was a lot of manipulation and using guns as a form of intimidation to make me feel like I had to compromise. I felt I had to give him something because I made him angry. This isn’t true. It is healthy and a good thing to have boundaries in your relationships.
In Conclusion
Remember that if you say no, that is enough. No one should cross your boundary after you have set it. If they do, they need to know that they have crossed a line and that they can’t do it again. If you have said no and someone has done something to you anyway, that is sexual assault. You have the right to leave that situation. You have the right to press charges against them. Because you deserve so much better.
