Parenting with a Toxic Partner

Parenting is challenging no matter how you become a parent, but there are some unique challenges when it comes to foster parenting.

• You often do not have much time to prepare
• You often do not get all of the information you need
• You are often jumping into the middle of established or lack thereof of routines
• You might be starting with multiple developmental levels at the same time

The Start of Our Foster Parent Journey

When my ex-husband and I first started foster parenting we did respite (very temporary) care for an 8-year-old girl. When we picked her up from school we didn’t have a caseworker there with us and no one even told us her last name or grade level. We were also not informed that she had several medications to take. We found that out when the little girl gave us a handwritten loose leaf piece of paper with the medication names and dosages. It was a very hectic couple of days because she had been in 5+ homes in a week (talk about instability). We learned a lot from this experience about what questions to ask and what supports we needed.

However, due to my ex-husband having a lot of emotions and concerns regarding the challenges of foster parenting, we took a pause and put our home on hold. While we were on hold we received a referral. A referral that made me excited. For 3 girls- a five year old and twin 18 month olds. The thing was, was my ex-husband was also very excited. He claimed that this referral solved all of his concerns because….

• They had a goal of adoption
• We had 2 weeks to prepare for their arrival
• They were in an age range that we felt more confident in navigating
• They did not have a past history of certain behavioral concerns that would give him pause

He seemed supportive. He seemed on board. He said that he wanted to have a family and parent with me. This could not have been further from the truth.

Parenting with a toxic parent looks like:

• A lack of support
• Angry outbursts towards you and your kids
• Avoidance of your kids and avoiding interacting with them
• Neglecting parenting responsibilities
• Disappearing or not showing up for important moments

This type of behavior is not acceptable when you are parenting. It is not fair to you or your kids. You have to take steps to remedy the situation with your partner through couples or family therapy. Or you need to take steps to get you and your children to a safer situation. You can get more resources on this from the Center for Women and Families: https://www.thecenteronline.org/ or by calling them at 844-237-2331.

As the month of March continues, I will add more about my parenting journey, what it looked like for us, and what it taught me.