It is critical to remember on your recovery journey and really in life in general, that it is all about progress. There is no such thing as perfection, even though our brains crave the concept of perfection. We will often compare ourselves against our version of perfection. We may feel that in order to be successful or doing a good job that we need to have accomplished our end goal quickly. In recovery, we will have many moments in which we feel that we are going backwards and have ceased to move forward. However, if we look at the trajectory of where we started we will see that we have grown so much more than we thought (even if we are not where we want to be).
This is something that I have to remind myself of constantly as I set very high expectations for myself. When I look at where I am, sometimes I feel like I am failing. But then when I remember what I have been through and am still going through, I start to see how much progress I have truly made. Let me give you a couple of examples.
Panic Attack Progress
Part of having PTSD, is having triggers that can cause panic attacks. I have put forth a lot of work in talk therapy, EMDR therapy, and personally to not be as affected by my PTSD. When I have a panic attack now, I often feel like I am going in reverse and losing all of my progress. There are two key things that I have started reminding myself.
- I used to have panic attacks multiple times per day. Even though I still have panic attacks, they are lessened to an average of once-twice per week.
- My panic attacks used to be incredibly debilitating for hours at a time. Now, I have strategies that enable me to work through my panic attack within 30 minutes to an hour.
Changes in My Habits and Perspective
There are several habits that I still do, that I feel like I should not do. These habits are driven by my PTSD and my grief. I feel like I should be past them, but yet I still need to do them. Despite the fact that I still have these behaviors, I have changed them from how they started.
- I used to scroll social media and view my ex-husband’s profile. Part of this was because I miss the life that I had and my dog Gatsby (and I just want to catch glimpses of it). The other part of this was to stay safe (knowing if he changed cars, appearance, etc. felt important to me). I no longer check my ex-husband’s profile on purpose, but I do occasionally stumble and see posts he makes on my newsfeed/for you page.
- I used to extremely plan every moment of my day around my ex-husband’s schedule. I would try to math out which days he would be working and which days he was off. I would avoid any area that he frequented and wouldn’t drive on roads that would take me past our house. Now I still have moments. I still try to go to places I know he goes to with others or at times of day that I think are safer. I will have small panic moments when I drive on roads near our house. But this is not something that is constantly on my mind (that I am stressing about every minute of every day).
This is progress!
Progress With My Health
As you all have read before, I have multiple chronic illnesses that impact my day to day life. These chronic illnesses bring many challenges physically. I have been working diligently in physical therapy to repair the connections between my brain and my body (repairing my nervous system). With how hard and how long that I have been working, I feel like I should be able to walk properly and at a decent speed.
The other day I was doing physical therapy and was walking a trail that I hadn’t been able to do in well over a year. I made it, I made it two miles down a trail and saw the waterfall at the end. Despite that, I was upset. Upset that I still needed walking tools to help. That it took four times as long to walk it. Embarrassed that other people on the trail stopped me to ask me about my condition (because it was that obvious that I don’t walk well).
But the point wasn’t that it took longer or that it was a struggle. What mattered is that I did it!! I accomplished something I had tried and failed at four times before. I might not be where I want to be, but I made a heck of a lot of progress from where I started!
Reminders
These are just a few examples of the many areas that I have made progress in since leaving my ex-husband. Although it is challenging for all of us to see how we have made progress, it is important to reflect on it (especially when we are judging ourselves). When you find yourself having a difficult time with where you are, think about these things, and journal about it if you can.
- Where did you start? What experience/s did you have when you began?
- What steps have you accomplished? What changes can you see in yourself?
Don’t forget that life is not a straight path. It will wind, it will curve, it will go up and down. Make no judgements based on a singular day or small period of time. Make sure to look back on how you have changed over time. You will find that a lot more has changed than you may realize. There is no correct speed or timeframe. No matter how small the changes may seem, progress is progress. Give yourself that grace!
