PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a condition not just faced by veterans (although it is more common). It can develop from any traumatic experience. Survivors of sexual assault often experience symptoms of PTSD. For those of you who don’t know, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Both for experiencing domestic violence and sexual assault.
PTSD and My Assault
My ex-husband assaulted me on multiple occasions in the matter of a week. The one that contributes the most to my PTSD happened the day my brother got married. I had the bathroom door locked (because I was already scared of him). He managed to get through the lock. He swung open the shower curtain as I screamed for him to get away. His hands were on me. He kept insisting I kiss him. I kept saying “no” and “go away”. And he kept closing and opening the curtain.
My body was stiff and as small as I could get. I had no where to go and he wouldn’t leave me alone. Like I said, I was already scared of him from a previous assault. I thought I was safe behind a locked door. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. Then I realized I wasn’t safe anywhere he could get to.
How My PTSD Looks
My PTSD looks like strong hypervigilence. It’s anxiety that feels like heart racing, chest tightness, lumps in my throat, and difficulty breathing. It’s flashbacks to the assaults and the look on his face. These feelings are in response to triggers. Triggers are events, phrases, things, or sensations that remind you of the event.
My triggers include:
- Crowded spaces and not being able to see
- Bathrooms without locks
- Undressing at the doctor
- Being around larger men I don’t know
- Wearing dresses
- Etc.
Navigating Triggers
This is very challenging with PTSD and something I am still working on. Trauma informed therapy is so important. What I have found to he helpful so far is:
- Calling my good friend
- Breathing Exercises
- Laying on the Ground
- Drawing How I Feel
It takes work, but you will find healthy things that will work for you too.
