I have been in a period of reflection as we are coming up on 3 years since I left my abusive ex-husband. With that comes all the things that I have learned since leaving. Things about life, about myself, and about what I deserve. Discovering a ton about self-worth. This post is about what I would go back and tell my past self if I could. I hope that there is something in here that can inspire you as well.
Choosing Your Hard
There are so many reasons that people do not leave their toxic relationship (abuse, neglect, cheating). This is in no way a judgement to you if you have not reached the ability to leave. Leaving can be dangerous (especially in abusive situations). It may seem impossible for financial reasons or due to your kids/pets. You might be worried about being alone. And it might feel scary- you are jumping into an unknown. Leaving and starting over will be one of the absolute hardest things that you do.
But what people often forget, is that staying is also incredibly hard. Your physical, mental, and emotional health are being damaged each and every day that you stay. You are having to live in a constant state of fear. You may not be safe. Your boundaries are pushed to the maximum. Your self-worth is constantly being diminished. You have no control over your choices or the life that you want. Your kids (if you have them), they are more aware of what is going on than you might think. I am here to tell you that you are worth so much more than all these things. I am also here to tell you that even though leaving is hard and scary, it is 110% worth it.
Self-Worth Lessons
While in my abusive relationship, my self-worth hit an all time low. I was manipulated over the course of time to feel like I was crazy, at fault for what was happening, always wrong, and that I could never do anything right. My self-worth was tied to living the life that I was living. Being married, living in the house I owned, having my dog, and becoming a parent. I felt like I was responsible for my ex-husband. That leaving was giving up and just another thing that I was doing wrong. I was going to lose everything that I worked hard for, things that I thought made me successful. I was scared that I could never find love again. That I could never own a home or become a parent.
What I Thought I Had
What I learned is that, what I had wasn’t real. My ex-husband never really loved me. He loved having power over me. He loved the convenience I could give him while he cheated on me. The truth is, I was already lonely. Lonely in that relationship. Leaving is what gave me the ability to move forward. To find new relationships: not just in that of significant others, but in friends as well.
I was worried about having to do everything on my own. But the truth of the matter was, I was already doing that. Not only was I doing everything by myself, I was being thwarted by him along the way. Not just in the housework, but in paying for things, in being a parent to our foster children, and in taking care of our dog. Leaving meant I was no longer worried about what he was or wasn’t doing.
I began having the freedom to choose what my life was going to look like! I gave myself the freedom to move forward!
Self-Worth in Relationships
The biggest thing that I learned though, was about what I deserve and what my worth is. I learned that I don’t need another person to complete me. I am already 100% a complete and wonderful human being. Being in a relationship should not be to complete yourself. A relationship should be a partnership. Where you better each other, support each other, and enjoy doing things together. They enhance or elevate your experience, not complete it.
This means that as I move forward, I am not going to lower myself or change my standards just to be with someone. I don’t need to be with someone, just to say that I am. I want to find a relationship that is worth having. To do that, I know that I have to set boundaries, communicate clearly when those boundaries are broken, and be willing to cut off a person that I start talking to, if they do not hold up to my standards. I am worth that! And so are you!
