Stuck in a Maze

As a person who has experienced a lot of trauma, something that will happen to me often as a result of my PTSD, is that I will have nightmares. I have them often. I don’t always remember them. However, lately I have had some vivid ones that I definitely remember. These are ones that cause me to have a panic attack when I wake up. I am not big on all dream interpretations, but sometimes, the dreams make me think about certain aspects of my life. I want to share with you all my most recent nightmare. Being stuck, running through an endless maze.

The Dream

I am sure you have experienced a stressful dream before. Perhaps one where you are desperately searching for something or someone. Maybe its the first day of school and you can’t find your class or your materials. Well this nightmare was one of those stressful dreams. However it was not just stressful, there were also terrifying moments.

The dream started with me being in a maze. Not just any maze, but like a fun house maze full of mirrors. It was packed with people. So it felt super claustrophobic. I wasn’t there by myself. I had my three foster girls and my dog Gatsby with me. We weren’t there for fun. We were running. Desperately trying to get away from my ex-husband and his family. As we ran throughout the maze, my ex-husband would pop out from random places. When he popped out he would scream at us and wave his gun around. This kept happening. One of the times he popped out, I lost the three girls. I spent the rest of the dream trying to find them and get us out of the maze, but I never did. I was stuck, in an endless loop.

How Being Stuck Felt

I woke up absolutely terrified and devastated. My heart was pounding in my chest. I felt like I literally had been running away from him. It felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had to remind myself so many times that I was safe, it was just a dream, and that I needed to take deep calming breaths. This dream wasn’t just scary. It reminded me of everything that I lost due to my ex-husband and my decisions I made in order to get myself and the girls to safety. In addition, it was incredibly frustrating. Being stuck in this way feels so helpless, and I have worked so hard to not be helpless anymore.

Processing This Feeling of Being Stuck

It is so important when dealing with PTSD and overcoming it, to work through processing nightmares like this. I used many strategies to help myself immediately cope with this nightmare.

• I took a shower- which helps to clear my brain
• I practiced breathing
• I took the time to draw out how the nightmare made me feel
• I messaged my EMDR therapist and communicated to her about this dream and how I was feeling. This was so important in order for her to best help me through the moment.

When I went to EMDR afterwards and talked through this dream with my therapist, she asked me a question. She asked me what I thought it meant. I actually had an immediate answer. Well, not so much an answer as a question for her. I asked her, if the nightmare meant that I was still stuck in the maze. Which made her ask what I defined as the maze. This took me a bit to figure out. But I think for me the maze represents life with my ex-husband or my life still being impacted by him. I lost so many things when I left and I was no longer moving in the direction that I saw my life going. I am still facing so many things and working through so many things that were caused by him. Things that I feel prevent me from having what I pictured.

What is Next?

I feel this represents where my brain is at in terms of processing the grief associated with the losses that I faced and am still facing. So the question remains, what does rebuilding look like for me? I have rebuilt pieces and have done so much work on myself. But where am I headed next? What is reasonable for me given my many health conditions? What tools do I need to get there? I don’t have all the answers. What I do know is this. My future is not bound by my ex-husband. I am no longer stuck with him. I am my own person. I have the power to create the future I want, a future without him in it.