I am coming up on two years since my divorce was finalized and tomorrow is the day that would have been our 7 year wedding anniversary. Between these two dates, as well as being right around the holidays and coming off of stomach surgery I am thinking about my ex-husband a decent bit. The grief that is there is at the point of wanting to know why. Wanting him to tell me why he did what he did. I will never be able to ask him and he will never tell me, so I chose to write a poem about it instead.
Tell Me Poem
Tell Me
Why did you choose me? And why did I choose you?
To be the person to build a future with. To build a family with.
Why did you ask me to marry you? Why did we promise each other “Always”?
Just for you to turn around and hurt me to the core.
Tell Me
Why did you abuse me?
Make me feel like I was nothing, the problem, and crazy.
Why did you terrorize me?
Exploding with anger and making me feel unsafe anywhere and everywhere that I go.
Tell Me
Why did you cheat on me?
Bringing a person into our home without my knowledge.
Why wasn’t I enough? Why were none of them enough?
Pretending to commit, but following any instant gratification you can find.
Tell Me
Is that why you were angry that I didn’t go out of town?
For that Bachelorette Party when I was sick with COVID.
Is that why you assaulted me?
When I told you I didn’t want to, but you said I was a tease.
Tell Me
Why didn’t you care when I ran away?
Only messaging me to make me feel terrible for taking my dog with me.
Why did you throw a tantrum? Disposing of me like a piece of trash.
Instead of caring enough about our 10 year relationship to talk it out.
Tell Me
Why am I the bad guy?
Losing all of “our” friends and the family that I had built with you.
Why does it seem like I destroyed our relationship for no reason?
When I tried everything to keep it together.
Tell Me
Why do you get everything you want?
Without doing any of the hard work and hurting everyone on your path.
Why do you get to just move on like nothing happened? Not having to take any accountability.
While I was left broken and having to rebuild everything, including myself from scratch.
In Conclusion
I truthfully have so many more questions than I could ever fit into this poem! It could probably even have a part 2. I never got to ask him any of my questions and never will. It wouldn’t be safe and he wouldn’t tell me anything of value. He does not have the capacity to recognize his wrongs. Isn’t able to take accountability. Asking these questions would just provide him another opportunity to manipulate me and it would hurt all the progress that I have made for myself. I am working on continuing to accept that there won’t be accountability. I will not get closure from him. The best closure that I can have, is to keep moving forward and living the best life I can. He doesn’t get to hold me back anymore.
