Around the holidays, when you have gone through significant change, experienced great loss, or suffered trauma it can be challenging. These times may not be as happy as you remember them being or it may feel like a piece is missing. In my relationship with my ex-husband, Thanksgiving was one of those holidays that was never happy between us. However, I did have traditions that were specific to my family and I that I held very dear. One of which was running the Turkey Run that morning. Now due to my health, I cannot participate in this tradition and have not been able to since leaving my ex-husband. Traditions change and here are some examples of how Thanksgiving has changed for me.
Thanksgiving with My Ex-Husband
Like I mentioned before, Thanksgiving was not a holiday that brought joy in the lives of my ex-husband and I. This is actually something that was true even when we were just dating. When my ex-husband and I were dating, generally all the times were great, we never argued or got upset. Except on Thanksgiving and we got into things over everything.
- My ex actually required on several occasions when we were dating that I go to my family’s dinner by myself.
- There were many times when he would start a major fight with me over something unimportant just to make the day less enjoyable. Why choose to bring it up while we are at someone’s house celebrating?
- It was a requirement that we spend the bulk of the holiday with his family- every year
- It was always a mess with his family that caused major arguments amongst every member of his family, leaving me to feel very uncomfortable. My actual favorite of these was when his family didn’t sit out the turkey (it was our fault for buying the “wrong turkey”) and so his dad ran out and bought cold deli turkey that we ate instead.
- There were numerous times we would have to last minute run an errand for his family (pick up a prescription for his mom: who was more than capable of doing so herself) and that would make us late for my family (who we were already spending less time with).
Thanksgiving itself became much more enjoyable last year. I look forward to it this year as well to be a day that I can actually spend time with my family and not have to worry about my ex’s random explosions of anger or my ex mother in law. Thankfully for me, this is one of the holidays that has actually gotten better with my loss. I find a lot of gratitude in that.
Turkey Run Tradition
Another tradition that I had was the annual Turkey Run. This was really something outside of my ex-husband. This was not something he supported me in nor was he generally present. The run was something that was just for me. Something that I enjoyed and that I got to do with my family. The past two years this is something that has disappeared from my day due to my health. I cannot run and I cannot walk the length of the race that I would need to be able to.
Last year I would have gone to the race to support my parents, but I have a dog that is too anxious around other dogs and my health would not allow me to control him in that type of setting. I also could not leave my dog at home for the race because it would mean that he was crated too long that day. Therefore, I feel like the tradition disappeared entirely.
This has been challenging for me. I have a dream of getting my health together and making a comeback next year. This year, I am considering making it a point to accomplish a set amount of walking. I cannot accomplish five miles, but perhaps my dog and I can walk a set amount near my house. This would be great progress since last Thanksgiving and it would be my own version of a race.
Changing Traditions
Changing traditions can be difficult, especially for those that thrive in routine. We may crave memories with certain people or particular activities. Change, at its roots, is difficult. Here are a few strategies as we come up on Thanksgiving.
- Make a favorite recipe (even if it is one someone else used to make)
- Reach out to someone you care about (friend, family, co-worker, neighbor)- Try to not close yourself completely off
- Take some time to yourself (schedule breaks where you can be with your emotions)
- Make a tradition your own (rebrand it, so to speak)
- Find little ways to be grateful (even if it is just for the little things like for a sunny day)- Remember that even in a sea of madness, there are glimpses of joy.
- Give to someone else-it is important to remember that we are not alone in our grief or suffering.
- If you do nothing else, just practice breathing. You are going to get there.