Oftentimes, the decisions that are the best or the right thing to do, are the most difficult. They often come with a great cost, which can make them feel like the wrong decision. Sometimes they are not good choices at all, but they are the best choices for those involved in a situation. The best thing that I did for my foster daughters, was the choice of having to take them to a new foster home.
Why Was This “The Best”
This decision was one that certainly did not feel like it was the best. It put my foster daughters through another move and having to adjust to yet another new home. However, it was for their safety and well-being. I saw how my ex-husband was treating them:
- Angry outbursts over the smallest of things (and even the good things)
- Avoiding interacting with them
- Not arriving to pick them up/drop them off
- Not supporting me in navigating the needs of all three of them
- Screaming that he hated them, wanted them gone, and that everything was their fault
My foster daughters did not need a person who was going to continuously put them down, someone to fear, or someone who was going to walk out and leave us. They had already experienced too much of this in their short lives. It was not possible for me to navigate all of their needs long term without a supportive partner and that it was financially impossible if he walked out on us. I had to ensure that their needs were being met and that they were safe, so I made the hardest decision I ever made. I contacted our agency and put in our two weeks notice.
The Best Decisions are The Hardest
This decision was the hardest decision I ever had to make. It was not only hard to make, but hard to follow through on.
- I had to have meetings with both our agency and the state to explain why we were choosing to put in our two weeks. My ex-husband promised to be in both of these meetings and did not show up to them. I had to sit there alone while they begged me to keep them. I kept saying that I wanted to, but that my ex-husband didn’t and we had to do what was going to be best for the girls.
- I had to talk to our 5 year old about moving and again, I had to do it alone. She was understandably upset. I made sure to tell her that this move had nothing to do with her. That she is amazing. She will do great things. And that I will miss her and always be there for her.
- I had to pack all of their belongings. For all three girls. By myself. My ex-husband chose to stay up all night and stay asleep until the new foster family came to pick up their belongings. I cried the entire time, but I made sure everything was there, organized, and communicated. I wanted to make sure that the new foster family would be ready. I wanted to make sure they had all the information to give them a great life.
- We took them to the new foster family’s house and hung out with them to get them more comfortable. We went on the tour of their house and sat and chatted. We played in the backyard with their other daughter. I didn’t want to stop looking at them. I wanted to keep holding the twins’ hands. I didn’t want to have to stop hugging the 5 year old.
- Our 5 year old tried to climb back into the car with us. She felt like because the twins were at this house, that we could take just her. I talked with her about how much she loves and wants to be with her sisters. This family was going to love all three of them, just like I did. I also told her that she could call me anytime. I got her reconnected with the family and waved out the window as we had to drive away.
Handling Hard Decisions
This decision still haunts every bit of my being. I truthfully have cried more than once, typing it out. I feel extremely guilty for having to take the girls to a new home. But I remind myself every day of a couple of things:
- I was manipulated into thinking my ex-husband supported having the girls
- Without the support, their needs were not manageable for an individual working full time (foster care requires a lot of additional meetings, therapies, appointments, and paperwork). Not to mention, I couldn’t afford childcare for that number of children if he walked out on me.
- They were being mistreated by my ex-husband and it would have gotten worse.
- I am so glad that they were not still with me when I had to run away for my own safety
- I made the best choice I could make for them
And thankfully, I am still able to be a small part of their lives. I still communicate with their current foster family. The five year old, who is now seven, still talks about me and we have chatted on the phone several times. I am still supportive of them, but they live in a healthier home that can meet their needs.
