The Loss of My Dog

When getting out of an abusive relationship or going through divorce in general, there is a lot of loss. Even if doing these things is for the better, you are still losing parts of your life that were important to you. I lost a lot of things in the last year of my marriage, when I left home, and as a result of divorce mediation. The loss that hurt the most though was the loss of my buddy, Gatsby.

How I lost Gatsby

As I considered leaving my abusive relationship, there was a very large piece that was holding me back. What about my dog, Gatsby? Can I take him with me? How am I going to get him out? I was not going to leave Gatsby in the same type of abusive environment that I was in. And I knew that I needed him too. Gatsby had saved me. Which is a large portion of the reason why I left when I did (when my then husband was out of town).

I made it out of the relationship with Gatsby and he made it with me to all of the homes I lived in along the way. Without him, I don’t know how I could have done it. He was a huge source of emotional support for me and kept me going. Gatsby was the only thing from my marriage that I cared about. If I lost literally everything else in the divorce (even my car and my share of the house), I didn’t care. The thing is though, my then husband knew that. He knew that I only wanted Gatsby and he couldn’t let that happen. He didn’t care about Gatsby, he cared about me not getting to have him. It was the only way for him to hurt me.

That is why in mediation, which I discuss in my previous post: https://strengthinmystory.com/when-mediation-fails-you/, he fought for my dog. He used all of his power, legal knowledge, and his family’s financial leverage to bank roll me. And the courts let him. Because here they don’t see a dog as a living being, just as financial property. My dog’s well being and my well being didn’t matter. I had to surrender him because I didn’t have another choice. That haunts me to this day a year later.

The Loss of Gatsby

I was given a few days after mediation to get ready for Gatsby’s departure. I fought hard for that (they wanted him that very same day). Those days I soaked up every last minute of time that I had with him:

• Just looking at him and watching him
• Taking pictures and videos of him
• Buying him extra treats and toys
• Getting together with all of our friends/family one more time
• Having Gatsby and Mommy’s Best Day (we went to all of our favorite places and walked around to our hearts’ content)

Then when the moment came, I didn’t know what to do. I collapsed on the ground with him at the house I was supposed to leave him at. I couldn’t stop looking at him. Couldn’t let his leash go. He was my everything. Everything that was holding me together. My friend had to walk me away so that we could get out of there before my ex-husband showed up. After that I just remember feeling numb and empty.

Dealing with This Loss

At this point I had already dealt with a lot. The abuse, having to give up my foster girls for their safety, the sexual assault, loss of my home, losing friends/family (I cared deeply for some of his family members), and now this. After all of that, losing Gatsby is what really broke me. I wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping well, and cried all of the time. No longer did I feel a sense of purpose. After all, we had moved into the apartment to start our new life together (and now it was empty too). I didn’t feel like I deserved kindness from others because I felt like everything was my fault. That somehow I had deserved everything that had happened to me (remember that narcissistic abuse is powerful).

After about two to three weeks of feeling this way I knew that I couldn’t keep doing this. That this wasn’t me. By going through life this way that I was letting my ex-husband continue to win and hold control over my life. And more than anything that Gatsby would be upset if he knew this is what I was doing. I started trying different things:

• Going for more walks/runs
• Doing jigsaw puzzles more often
• Trying to find ways to help dogs in need

Then something happened. My family is friends with a girl that had been fostering a dog for quite some time and hadn’t found him a home. That is when I decided that I needed to help this dog. He had been in a shelter for over a year and had been in a foster home for several months with no luck with adoption. I felt like the world was telling me “this is what you should be doing”. Not as a replacement (no dog could ever replace Gatsby), but a way to give myself purpose and to give this dog a better lease on life. Although this was a challenging adjustment and I am still learning from it, I learned I could love another dog too. Even though the hole in my heart hasn’t gotten smaller, my heart itself was able to get a little bigger.

Grief from a loss like this doesn’t just go away, but we find ways to make it more manageable. And of course, feel the hurt when it comes around too. Just remember that if you are dealing with a major loss in your life, your feelings are very valid and you are not alone.