What I Learned From My Foster Children

In my previous post: https://strengthinmystory.com/parenting-with-a-toxic-partner/ I discussed how my ex-husband and I brought 3 foster children into our home. A five year old and twin 18 month olds. I learned so many things in the time that I got to spend with these three amazing girls. The biggest thing that I learned was what was missing in my relationship. Not only what was missing, but what I deserved. And how much manipulation and abuse I was experiencing.

I could not see the manipulation and abuse when it was happening to me. I could see how he was not being supportive to the children in our home. There were many moments throughout the time that I had the girls in my home that taught me what they and I deserved and how much it was missing. I learned through all of these moments that my ex-husband was not someone who I could raise children with or grow a family with (at least not in the current space that he was in).

“Where is He?”

The 5 year old with us asked this question to me almost every single day. Sometimes I had a very good reason for where he was. My ex-husband works third shift, so there were days that he would need to be asleep for part of the time that the girls were awake. However, there were so many other moments in which he just wasn’t there. He wasn’t there because he didn’t want to be. He would miss out on playing games, going to attractions, reading books, and having important conversations. Even when she called me after she left, she said I don’t need to talk with him, I know that he is “sleeping”.

“I Thought He Was Supposed To Be Helping”

The 5 year old with us asked this question to me a ton as well. She could see all of the work that I was doing to try to keep up with the needs of all three of the girls on top of working my regular job and maintain our home. The time that I learned the most from was a day that he was supposed to be taking all 3 girls to my parents’ house after he got home so that I could get to work.

That day, he was upset and laid down in bed. He never got up to take the girls. So I had to really rush to get them to my parents’ house. On the way there she asked me, “But I thought he was supposed to take us?” To which I told her that it was a special surprise that I got to do it. She kept asking though, saying “But if he would just help you, it would be easier for you” and “But you had to be at work”. I reassured her that it meant a lot to me to get to spend extra time with them, so I didn’t mind (100% true). Her comments that morning stuck with me though. I mean, a five year old sees it. She sees the lack of support and instability here. She knows this is wrong. That means that it probably is.

“It’s Real Easy”

In a 5 year old’s mind, everything seems real easy. It would be real easy for him to have the twins while I helped with homework. It would be real easy for him to just want to be with us. As much as she said this about ex-husband, this is something that she also said about her birth father. It would be real easy to just say he was sorry. And it should be. When you care about someone and want to make a life together with them, you should want to be supportive and want to apologize if you have hurt them. It might be a lot and difficult, but you should want to do it because you love and care about them. Unfortunately in my case and the case of many, it was not “real easy”.

In Summary

It took three amazing girls coming into my home for me to start to recognize that something was off. It took me caring a whole lot about someone else to notice my own situation. It took learning from one of the most emotionally intelligent 5 year old’s that I didn’t have what I deserved. I really hope that if she knew where I was now that she would be proud of me for getting to a happier place.